Today I’m tired

I would be lying if I said I’m never tired, I’m never weary.  I’m a super woman. I’m not, I’m a broken woman that has made her bed hard and has to lie in it. I’m a woman that  can’t break because that can be my livelihood. I’m a woman that can’t stop pursuing because there is nothing to fall back on. I’m a woman who many depend on to be joyous and give a good word and place a positive spin on things. I’m a woman that from surface it may seem like I have it all together, but I don’t by far.

They say life is what you make it. However….  How do you make it?  How do you adopt a new family? One that knows you or wants to know you and truly cares about your being. One that wants to know you as much as you want to know them.  How do you continue to love and show love to those that don’t show it back? How do you go into isolation when you live in isolation? The little people you take care of are the only folks you talk to. How do you stop crying yourself to sleep at night? Sorry people this one doesn’t have a happy ending. It’s just words from a woman who has no escape. Her escapes she wants to escape. There is no hibernation or isolation when things go wrong because I live there daily. I haven’t seen most of my family in years. How many? I’ve lost count at this point. What do you do when you just want to love on people? And you really really would like just one of them to love on you back, just one. What do you do? Who do you call? What do you drink? What do you smoke? How do you continue to give when there is almost nothing left? I’ve heard prayer, I’ve heard keep loving and I still believe it will work one day. However, today I’m tired. Very very tired.

Tired of regrouping myself before I answer a call to love on someone who is in need. While I let my tears silent drip down my face. Tired of pulling it all together to go out to an event for a temporary high, fake relief, fake love or a moment of fun. Some go after random sex, well at this point I don’t want to be touched. Sex is something special and should happen between two people that love each other. Not only love each other, but have decided to love each other for eternity and do whatever needs to be done to make it last. What other solutions do we have? Grab a drink, a smoke, all of these things are temporary. Talk to God. Still temporary. Count your blessings. What if the only blessing is that you have only a few more days before everything crashes and burns? That’s what you see anyway. We try to ignore the problems instead of addressing them all while the tumbleweed is still growing.

Life is not always beautiful matter of fact, most of the time it’s ugly. Were advised to take the highs with the lows. However most people surround themselves with others to make it go away. What do you do when there is no temporary relief for you? Not home, not anywhere. Pray, huh. And then what? I want to tell you to continue to work at it and push, however right now I can’t tell myself to push. I’m tired, today I’m tired.

Tomorrow is always another day. 

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