Why am I stuck in this position around people that don’t want me around? Either, they don’t want me around or they are just trying to be nice to me. I’m thankful for the good deeds, however, I’m hurt. I’m hurt, knowing that although I’m in your space you’ll never desire me to be there. God, that hurts bad. Why every time I’m trying to escape these situations I’m unsuccessful? Why am I stuck here? Why was I stuck there? Why am I here now? God! I’m so tired. I’m so worn down. I’m loved out. I’m tired of loving on people. I’m tired of loving anyone.
I’m drained. I’ve tried to spread agape love, wherever I go. Is this what I’m reaping? When I’m nice, people take advantage. When I love, people take advantage. When I give, people take advantage. I don’t want to be used anymore. I don’t want to feel anymore. I want my guard back up. I don’t want to be transparent. I don’t want to be honest. I don’t want to talk about real feelings. The real answers hurt, they hurt too bad. I’m tired of being the strong, never hurt girl. The girl that people see as a robot without feelings. I have feelings and they hurt. I have morals and standards. God, I’m tired, this whole mess is draining. Rejection by your loved ones, this hurts the most. I just want to be desired. I want to feel like a woman or even a young girl that a schoolboy has a crush on. I just want one human that’s not my kids to love me unconditionally. Just one, am I asking too much. I’m not strong, I’m not impenetrable, I’m soft. I’m kind, and I love everyone unconditionally. I’m weak. I can’t take it anymore, I really can’t.
As I wrote this in August I wept one early morning. I was broken to the core, and I still am. In 2017, I lost my home. In 2018, I lost my kids and business. During these losses, I lost hope in everything, as I tried to continue to find my way out of the woods. I just wanted to stay and sit and just be lost. Just being surrounded by no one. I reached the point of comfort in the wilderness. I started to try to figure out my why; my purpose in going through the things I went thru.
Now 4 years later I’m still recovering, I’m far from where I was but recovery is a process. I’ve been able to see and embrace the lessons I needed to learn. The crying out of “Why God?” was one of my many breaking points. I was lost and I didn’t know what to do. I was lost for years. Even in finding my way out and changing my surroundings, I still was lost for a very long time. My last Why God? was me asking God why did I find comfort in abuse in unnecessary relationships. Ones that don’t benefit me or aren’t true to what they put on to be. What was the comfort in abuse? Why couldn’t I shake these bad things out of my life?
Sometimes it’s just the moment of asking why that can open you up to find out the real answers that will shift things in your life. Many times we need to stop and ask why. That why can lead you to a reevaluation and a cognizant purposeful shift. Life is a journey full of lessons. So what you are going thru is only temporary and is not a permanent place in your life. You are only passing thru. Remember you got this! Keep pushing daily!
Check out my podcast Resources in the Valley for more great tidbits on getting thru the tough times in life and business!