Tag Archives: Progress

Strength

What do you do when you notice a close family member has the same characteristics as your abuser? I decided to love both from a distance as I’m currently unable to get rid of either one of the parties. However, just like AA recognizing the problem is the first step. I’ve recognized it and now I have to put a plan in place. A plan for negative things like this to not deter me or slow me down when pursuing my life goals. So often I hear folks say cut this one off, cut that one off. However, how are you growing when you eliminate people left and right. 

A talk with a long-time friend really encouraged me that I’m learning how to deal with things I can’t control but also allowing them not to affect me is key. I started to speak my truth as we were getting off the phone and she could understand so clearly that a call back was rendered. We finished our conversation in depth and we both grew from it. I thanked her so much because I needed it as much as she did. How do you deal with relatives that have the same characteristics as abusers? You love them from a distance, you steer the conversation, and you limit their time and topics that you will address with them. There is no love lost as these people are our relatives and there was a day when we would stop the world for them. However, in the growth of wisdom, we start to see things through clear not tinted eyes. We start to assess and address things for what they are. 

I’ve learned that I’m actually building strength in speaking to them. I’m learning how to deal with the next person I  come in contact with that has these characteristics. I’m learning to recognize the patterns immediately and how to remove or distance them from me and my mental capacity. Life is not only about learning but it is also about expanding our mental capacity and learning how to deal with and address things as soon as they happen. How to stop negativity at the drop of a dime. How to not respond to the start of a conversation addressing something negative. Is this the kind of energy you want to have in your spirit for the day? Nope! 

I’ve always been a go-to person that doesn’t go to anyone. I know there are people I can call but I believe my issues are my own burden to bare. Problems and issues are also a chance to address my choices and find where I made the choice that landed me in a hard spot. We have all the answers if we will be brutally honest with ourselves. I don’t even want to use the word brutal because it’s negative, let’s say truly honest to ourselves. Truly is the only thing you should want from others and you should give to others. However many find comfort in putting on a persona. The truth always comes to light there is not even any point in lying to yourself or others. 

Over the last few years being truly honest with myself has given me so much wisdom. Stopping and asking myself why I deal with people, what is the comfort in a negative relationship, what is good, and what is bad. All questions that are very telling of our mindset. 

Your mind is one of your most important assets and it is a terrible thing to waste. So take a moment to pause and ask yourself, what got me here and how can I change it?

Tune in to my podcast Resources in the Valley for more tidbits on getting out of the valley and climbing the mountain to success!

Relocation Part 2

Whew, I’m a long way from leaving home for 4 years, then coming back almost 4 years ago.

As I look back on the knowledge that I have gained through various wonderful and terrible experiences. I can ultimately say I am grateful. Today I am anyway. I had a conversation with my now podcast co-host that I was going to go through a period of depression when I returned home. She asked me, “Why did I think that?’. I responded as I had visually seen the future. 

Sidebar: Be careful what you speak into existence.  

About 2 months later I moved back home. Depression was immediate and tough times became tougher. Honestly speaking, I knew I couldn’t depend on people but I gave them a chance, anyway. This was not just one person, this was many. In the first 3 months, I went from already being homeless to also losing my children and my vehicle, as well. Devastated wasn’t the word, not even depressed, I was defeated. I was waving the white flag, just giving up. My family and friends tried to encourage me as much as they could, however, I felt like I had totally failed at life. I didn’t even want to serve my clients. Many of them wouldn’t take no for an answer. So I straightened up as much as I could and pushed forward. That first year really was a blur. I just tried to make myself happy in all the wrong ways. Through 4 places I stayed and 2 cars I acquired but didn’t have, I was still homeless. The first day I went back to work my transmission went. It took me a year to get that car fixed. 

The second-year was better than the first. I finally got my own place. A month in my own place I realized I was not in a good relationship and needed to get this out of my life. At the same time, in the back of my mind, I was scared to do things on my own and felt like I needed a person, a partner, a friend. I tried to push through unnecessary drama and still carried things on my own, I still felt like I needed him. When in reality, I didn’t. I was taking care of everything because I’m a superwoman. I really hate that, honestly, but I’ve always played that position even during the hardest of times.  It took me too long to get out. I grew during that year though. I grew mentally, physically, and spiritually. 

Through the even tougher times as I struggled to get back to me, I learned a lot. I assessed a lot. I asked myself why are you allowing these things in your life. I finally made up my mind to remove them in the third year. That was even more drama. However, on the other side of that relationship, I renewed my belief in myself. I realized that through all that mess, I looked for someone to save me and the only person I needed to save me was me. Relocating and removing myself from my environment created a different level of resilience that I’m not sure I was capable of before. 

So this year, I’m a superwoman for myself and my children. Year four, I’m dedicated to taking care of myself. I had to embrace that I am a super and will always be my own hero. I will be a superhero, for me!

Trust

Everyday is still a constant challenge. You realize you may need a help mate in life however it’s hard to trust people. Hard to depend on others. It’s hard it truly is. Trusting some one as a friend and trusting some one as a roommate or partner are two different levels. Thru the last few years many have offered many I turned down. Not because of lack of friendship but because of lack trust. Lack of trusting someone with your full life not just part of it. I’ve mastered the trust with part of it side not the trust with all of it side. Most don’t meet that standard. I’ve realized that over this time of lack. I don’t trust anyone with my whole life, I’m not sure if I ever will.
I have a method of avoidance. Consistently avoiding fully opening up or fully disclosing. Only partial,  always partial. I call it protecting my heart.  However I recognize it’s toxic.  Early childhood experiences from so called friends that betrayed me in many ways. I remember a distinct incident of a girl that came to my birthday party so they would have something to talk about. Through these incidents  I made an unconscious choice on how to deal with people in the future.  Don’t let them get too close.   Moving around has driven me insane and hasn’t made my trust any better.  So as I prepare to make more changes, I also prepare to open myself up to fully trusting someone.

Mindful choices

Everyday we have a decision  of how to start our day. Yesterday, on my day off, I woke up pissed off. Not wanting to let that energy consume my day.  I completed a mini workout and turned on a book during my other morning routines. By the time I was ready to leave the house.  I was recharged with positivity.  My outlook to the day and said situation completely changed.  It’s up to us to control our minds daily.
A book,  a power mantra, a podcast, a song,  whatever it is that will help you shift your mood. Use these tools to shift your mind.  Don’t dwell on things you can’t control.  Be aware of how things make you feel. As you practice this control you will gain more confidence in the goals you strive to achieve.

Keep pushing daily!!

Relocation?

The first 3 days, weeks, months, years

I’ve been told that I’m admired for relocating. That friends and family are oh so very proud of me. All while I’m screaming help on the inside. Have you been here?

Oh look at you! You’re doing it! Go girl! The one that may have hurt the worst, “I want to be like you when I grow up.”  Said a childhood friend, I actually hoped it was in jest, but he made it clear he was very serious. Once again all while screaming on the inside, “HELP, I’m drowning here”

This experience of changing my surroundings completely.  Leaving all of my family and moving somewhere I didn’t know anyone, blew my mind. Only one friend and a few of her friends. Wow, I’m still blown away to this day and we haven’t reached the 3-year mark, yet. 

The first 3 days was honestly a blur. What I do remember, my oldest child and I pulled into Charlotte, NC and checked into the extended stay. Not only was it an extended stay it was one of the more ‘urban’ facilities. My son did not want to stay with me and actually refused. Well, he was blessed to have a backup plan in which he did not have to spend 6-8 weeks in the extended stay with mom. The hotel did not have any dishes, so I bought some. There was no way I was going into storage, besides my stuff wasn’t here yet anyway. The first 3 days I can honestly say wasn’t too bad. Other than, a pissy elevator and my friendly neighbors wondering where is she going with a suit on daily.  To be continued…

Hustling or working, the game never changes just the service. I’ve learned to keep pushing no matter what! 

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What does Faith feel like?

It feels like the motivation to get up in the morning and start work. It feels like a hot cup of coffee. It feels like peace knowing that you ’re working and doing things for the right reasons. It feels like the confidence that you’re going to complete your task. Confidence in knowing that the completion of the task will help you reach your goal. It feels like gratefulness. Being grateful for all of the things that you have and have been blessed with. Gratefulness for the things you worked so hard to receive or accomplish. Grateful for the ability, drive, and focus required. It feels like success when you’re almost to the finish line. It is faith, it makes you feel like the finish line is right up ahead, when it may actually not be in sight. Faith feels like when you have all of the energy and adrenaline you need as you begin your race. Faith feels good, confidence feels good, and believing in yourself feels great! Let’s get that feeling back!

Desire, dedication & determination

Desire: to long or to hope for; to exhibit or feel desire for; to express a wish for.
Dedication: devoted to a cause, ideal, or purpose: given over to a particular purpose
Determination: firm or fixed intention to achieve desired end. ; the act of deciding definitely or firmly. Also, the result of such an act of decision.

These words represent three states of mind you have while pursuing your goals. These mindsets determine your approach and the work you will put towards them regardless of how soon you see results. When you start a business, you must work for a future return, not an immediate return. If you are looking for an immediate monetary return, be very careful. I’m not saying it can’t happen, I’m here to say that consistent actions towards the completion of a project or management of a business is required before you can truly enjoy the rewards. Work is required.

Desire is the first phase. I call this stage the ‘dream mode’. In this phase, you decide that you want to start the business. You start to talk about it and ask questions to find out what starting this business may entail. During this phase, you decide if this is going to be a dream or reality. You decide that you can do this, or you decide that you would love to do that one day. You tell yourself you’ll put it off until  “I have time, when I have money, when I retire, etc.” The excuses roll in and this dream of starting this business becomes just that–a dream. Your dream becomes something you put off to the side and never work on. If you are currently in this phase, research methods of support, different streams of income to include, ways to start things for free, true professional costs, licenses, and insurance, etc. Make a plan and find a mentor. A good mentor is going to encourage you and help push you thru this process. A business consultant can do this as well. If you would like to work with me, check out http://www.blainelacar.com

Dedication is the second phase. During this phase, you consciously decide your next steps. You decide to dedicate your energy towards this cause. You do more research and you find more ways to get this business started. You decide that this can be done and you want to do what it takes to reach the goal. Your desire to reach this goal has expanded and changed into a passion to get this thing done. This is the phase where planning becomes action and you usually start to lay the foundation of the business. You have a need to reach success. You start working in the evenings towards your new business. You may even quit your day job to commit more time to this business and live off your savings. This phase is exhausting. You’re working and seeing some return, but you would like to grow bigger. With a bigger business comes more sacrifices and a greater investment. You definitely want to grow so you move to the next step.

Determination is phase three and this is the phase before things truly take off. This is the phase when you have worked so hard, you may start to become frustrated. You may feel like “maybe I should end this and move on to something else.” You feel like you are stuck. This phase is painful yet beautiful. Your tears of pain, passion, and confusion will turn into tears of joy. You gain a compassion to take your business to the next level. You find plans of action, investors, partners, and new products or services to include. During this phase, many become tired of working towards something without output. You’re investing more time and not making much profit. You may be taking a loss, you may be doing all the work, or you may be having trouble finding dedicated help. This is the phase where you should take the time to analyze. Make sure you are using all of your resources and delegating responsibility properly. Most importantly, keep working towards the goal. On the other side of determination is SUCCESS!

“Listen to Me”

Listen to Me, God said. Today I went on an interview, the interview went well until the last question. Then I bombed a test that I should have aced. “Listen to Me”, God said.

“I put this center in your heart years ago and you haven’t taken the first step? Why my child, why?”

Why do we constantly ignore God? Are we scared, fearful, or defeated before the race even started. We have to get over this fear! I included!

So the interview was with someone who found my resume on the internet. When I looked into the position, it intrigued me. So, I reached out and applied. I still was on the fence about even applying for this position at this point. The HR rep contacted me within the hour. We set up a telephone interview and it went very well. She then scheduled an on-site interview. So I started to do my research (homework)  on the company and it turned out the company was in the same industry as my center. When I arrived at the interview I had time to sit and wait in the lobby. While I waited, the security guard and I struck up a conversation. I found out that not only does the building house centers with the same clients, they also have available space! I didn’t get the job, but I got one more piece to my puzzle!

Be thankful for the pieces. I’m grateful for every piece I’m shown. I have many different projects going on however, the ones I receive pieces for  are the ones that are his will. His will falls into place perfectly! I remember many times I ignored the pieces and continued in the other direction. When I made these choices, I took the long way through the process because of my fear. When I reflected on the process I saw each decision clearly, I saw how each choice made my process longer. In spite of this,  each hurdle added character and strength, I don’t regret one lesson.

Unqualified

I’m sure you have all applied for a job and received a rejection letter saying they have decided to pursue another candidate. At that moment, you felt unqualified. However, were you really unqualified or did someone’s book cover look better than yours?

There are many moments we go through in life where we may feel this way. Yet no matter how things look, we must remember the steps we take are intentional and each choice leads us to a specific position.

Have you been called to do something and you’re scared? What are you scared of? Do you feel unqualified? I feel like this often and it takes different regimens to get that feeling out of my head. If you have been led to do something, speak on something, or called to lead, you are qualified. You have been called to that position for a reason. The first reason is that you have the qualifications! Many times the feeling of being inadequate, or unqualified comes from fear or lack of confidence. We must bury that fear to move forward in life.

You are great, you are qualified! You are great, you are qualified!

We must constantly reassure ourselves that we are more than enough. So many people face this struggle daily. You would be surprised. Some people cover it up in clothes, some cover it up in degrees, some cover it up with cash, some cover it up with love, etc. Do you know that a tree with dead roots doesn’t grow? It doesn’t matter how big, pretty, green, etc. Once the roots are dead, it’s a goner. Don’t let your roots die. Materials are great, accolades are great, cash is great, however, if you don’t believe in yourself, no one else will. Erase those negative feelings and thoughts! You are great, you are qualified! You are great, you are qualified!
Believe it in your mind and heart first!

The 4 R’s

 

              I often am asked, How do you do this or do it? I feel as though many really want to ask, how are you not breaking down? Breaking down is a mental pull, there are many things in my life that could have caused me to break down. I’ve chosen to not allow these things to do so. Every situation we find ourselves in, we have created or allowed one way or the other. It’s our jobs to get ourselves out of said situation. With the correct amount of willpower and focus, you can do so. The answer to the question is, I don’t allow myself. Sometimes, some straight up cold hard honesty to myself may be the medicine. Evaluation of choices I made, no one made them for me. Personally owning the error, the reward, the sacrifice, is the first step in creating a solution. Own it! Are you owning the choices you may have made to be placed in the position you are in? Have you owned it? My solutions always start with self. I always address what I did, to get me into said situation or position. This step is vital. This is where things change outlook, opinion, perception.  This is where breaking down is removed. If you can accept what you did, you also have the power to change what you may have accepted.

              Shift your focus, I know you have heard this many times before, however, focusing on the wrong things tends to land us where we don’t want to be. This is why rest is needed, the mind needs to calm down and clear out. This is where shifting begins, a  calm and clear mind. Your mind in this state will allow you to adjust your focus, are you focused on progress or regress. This is a big question to ask ourselves daily, as fun is easy. One of my recipes to my day is 70% work, 30% fun. If 70% of my day has already been drenched in work than I could stand to have some fun. I keep it closer to 85%, the percentage is up to you. What can you handle? Many of my days are 100% work. I wake up working and I go to sleep working, I run errands, during my 20-30 minute break and then I’m right back to it. I work during lunch, I work during breakfast and dinner. I work in the car, I work during rest stops. I feel that I can constantly stimulate my mind in some fashion. Whatever your belief may be or your regimen may don’t allow anything or anybody to stifle it. When we add things to our lives, they should enhance our plans, they should push us harder, they should challenge us to move more confidently, and expand your capacity. Those additions will never be distractions as they are keeping you on task and focused.

            Many people with a loving heart tend to take on the issues of others when in reality, it’s not your concern. If you are one of these people, I challenge you along with myself to break away from any situations that are not pushing you the way you are pushing them. Pull yourself away from things that make you feel inadequate. You are adequate, you have a plan, you have a destiny and your running towards, push those things out of your way. Encourage others and don’t get caught up, lift up others and don’t get pulled in, love on others and don’t wait to be loved back. These things require mental strength that you may have but we all get sidetracked.

Rest your mind, review your strategy, reshift your focus, and REVIVE yourself!