Category Archives: Matters of the Heart

Does money trump love?

Life is not about love, it’s about money. Let’s just face it, Money makes the world go round. Right? Thus making people go round too. Being that everything in this world is based on money, many people have placed a value on things that have nothing to do with money. Like relationships, friendships, commitment, support, trust, I can go on, however I rather not.

I am one of a dying breed that believes there are things that money can’t buy. However, I have tremendously failed in all of thee above, life, relationships, parenting, etc. My failures are mostly connected to not enough money.  Let’s join the masses and place money at the top of my list, too. Right?

It truly seems like it works to me. No money no relationship, no money no friendship, no money no trust, no money no commitment, no money no support (no I don’t want to hear you shaggy dog story). No money no favors, etc. This is truly the attitudes of our surroundings. Many have told me they use to think it was selfish and now they don’t. I’m starting to understand their rhetoric. It makes sense. Worry about yourself and no one else. There is no such thing as a no-cost favor. It cost my time, my mental space, my gas, etc. I have always believed in doing no cost favors. I’m thinking maybe it’s time to change that. I still haven’t decided if this is wrong or right. It does protect home, however at what cost.

Although society has decided that money Trump’s loves. This doesn’t mean you have to conform to the group. At what cost do you sacrifice life for money. Do you lose family, friends, loved ones? Do you not cherish the quality of your true friendships and relationships? Should we trade those true friendships for lucrative relationships? Which are generally with those who possess vulture characteristics. What cost is money worth to you? I’m the first to say money is needed, being my background financial. However, it’s only needed for the true necessities.

To enjoy life, you must live life, love somebody, and make deeper connections. Money is not necessary. It’s merely a means of exchange. You can exchange your knowledge, you can exchange your services. There are many means of exchange. You must decide which one works for you. Through this storm, the people that have given me no cost favors have been lifesavers for me and I wouldn’t replace them for anything in the world. Nor would I take back any favors I’ve done for anyone else. I believe that we must truly love on one another from our hearts. Not questioning what we are going to gain from this. You change lives, through no-cost favors, you become a servant, through no-cost favors, you sacrifice yourself just a bit to show someone else that they are loved and not in it alone. That type of support can not be replaced by ANY amount of money. From time to time we may take a loss but the love created will never go away.

Money just does not Trump Love!

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This Strange Feeling

This feeling I have, I’m trying to dismiss.

Yet every way I can push him he doesn’t resist.

He’s sticking around, to me that’s a little scary.

I’m so intrigued in one way however frightened in another.

That L word HELL NO That’s a place I don’t want to go.

However our souls collide and the vibes are right.

And I must admit he’s like a thief in the night he steals my thoughts.

Yet I don’t want this to happen I am losing this battle.

What battle are you fighting? Don’t make up an invisible one.

Are you in actual war and your heart needs to be protected or

Are you at war with fear of letting someone see you naked?

Are you running from happiness?

Are you running from your gift? Are you running from your soulmate?

Are you going to turn your back on this?

Could this be love? Is it real or fake?

These are the many questions we ask ourselves. To trust or not trust?

Is the question itself?

Do you open all the way to be let down again?

Or do you walk away from what could be because fear says don’t let him in?

Washed Up

“Washed up, left for dead, dissed and forgotten, they hoped that I’d be gone, stiff and rotten”, Nas said in Ether. So many people feel this way, men, and women, about past relationships, and the times they have put their hearts on the line.

I’ve placed my heart in the hands of men that didn’t have any good intentions, I’ve planned weddings with people that still had someone on the side, I’ve taken care of people when they couldn’t take care of themselves, while I could barely take care of myself. I’ve been a victim of physical abuse, I’ve been verbally abused. I’ve fought through mental abuse, I’ve been constantly torn down instead of loved. I’ve been his fool, I’ve been used, I’ve been deceived. I’ve even been patient while waiting for him to get it ‘together’. I’m sure many of you have conquered these things with me.

These things are not a mark of dishonor, they are actually a mark of an overcomer. You have overcome despite, being used, taken advantage of, unloved, fooled, the constant challenges, the constant heartbreak, the depression, and strife. These things have made you stronger, not weaker. Don’t be ashamed of the things that you have overcome. For you have gotten over the hurdle. You made it even though. You completed the challenge and continued moving forward. Your heart was broken and you tried again. This time is no different from any other time. You’ve learned a lesson, you’ve gained wisdom and knowledge. You may not be able to see it now, but this made you smarter, it made your actions more precise. We can make it thru this. Your failures are not what defines you, your actions after it is what develops character, strength, and perseverance. That’s what I admire. The perseverance that no matter what, I’m going to get up and try again.

Did you know that horseshoe crabs shed their shells? The process is called molting, this is how they grow. Sometimes, we may feel like we are that shell, hard on the outside and don’t want to let anyone in.  The shell that has washed up on the beach and has been left behind. When in reality we have shed our shell. We’ve taken another layer off, to expand our knowledge, our reach, our minds. We had to shed to grow. We had to go thru the lost to learn this lesson and experience this growth.

Do you know someone is looking up to you? Everytime you get up, someone else decides to get up too, because you tried again. You gave them the strength to do the same. There are many people that didn’t have much it easy growing up, yet they are relentless in their pursuit of success. It’s because they saw their parents/guardians get up and make the most out of every day, regardless of the outcome. It never stopped them.

Don’t let it stop you!

Dating vs Courting

My plan was not to make this blog about dating or being single necessarily, but to discuss hurdles we all may have to conquer eventually. As a single woman in my mid-30s, this topic comes up often. I’ve heard many women ask how to tell whether you’re courting as opposed to dating. Many women who are practicing celibacy state they would like to court not date. I decided I wanted to discuss this to see what your opinions are and if people, in general, have the same opinion.

So I asked FB, lol. If you’re not googling it these days, you ask facebook. I actually received some great feedback. Some of it was expected, some unexpected. My favorite comment so far stated at the end of it that, “dating can become courting and courting can never become dating.” This struck a chord with me as this demonstrated the seriousness and the commitment of courting. This also made very clear that in courting, if you’re not moving towards the goal of a serious relationship or marriage, you’re not even interacting. To me, this speaks volumes and shows courting as very intentional in the growth of the relationship. Most of the feedback said the difference is that when courting, your focus is on the future and on that special person rather than dating which is spending time with anyone available.  I agree with all of the feedback I received.

I can definitely agree courting it is totally different from dating and may be something you may not be familiar with until it occurs. I’m honestly not familiar with it myself. I believe that the conversation is different, the reactions to one another are different yet intentional. You care about the other party’s feelings and opinion. You speak about finances in depth. You speak about health in depth. You speak about families in depth. Discussion of pet peeves and desires, not expectations so much, because you are both in a position where you want to set the expectations together. This is what I believe courting will entail. I also hope for courting to include the absolute want to understand the other party. The need to feel accomplished until they can fully understand thoughts and maybe even actions.

I don’t believe in dating much, as I truly believe it is a waste of time at my age. I believe that dating should be finished after the first or second date. At this point, you should know whether you truly have an interest in this person or not. It may be able to go on a little longer to turn into courting, however, I don’t think it takes that much time to truly gauge seriousness.

How do you know if you’re dating or courting? I still don’t know, however, I’m trying to learn. How can you recognize the difference? Let’s learn to recognize the differences together.

Please leave your thoughts below as this is only the beginning of this topic. Let’s list out the characteristics of courting so that my ladies looking for this will know what to expect.

 

Be Who You Are…

This week I came to terms with a relationship that did not need to be. I confirmed something that I suspected all along, but I would not follow my gut. It only took a few months in this relationship for me to realize that things weren’t right. However, I still carried on to give this person the benefit of the doubt. Of course, as most men do every time I tried to cut ties, he all of the sudden found a way to reel me in.

As I reflect on this situation to learn the lessons that I needed to learn I found several things. First, I have to stop waiting to see what I already suspect. When we suspect something it disturbs your peace. No relationship should disturb your peace. If anything, it should bring you more peace of mind and self- confidence. Second, I realized that you don’t have to give anyone the benefit of the doubt. Do you give your platonic friends the benefit of the doubt? Not as much as those we give in a romantic relationship. Why is that? It’s because we desire companionship. However, companionship is not made of confusion. The third thing I learned is you must be who you are. I realized that in my pursuit to find a companion I have watered myself down. I have softened up, I have become nicer (putting some of my standards aside). I call myself spreading agape love, which we should give to everyone, however, our personal emotions we still must protect. I found myself trying to love someone into loving me. None of this works, ladies, stay strong, stay independent, stay busy. Keep your standards, stick to your guns, and the person you are supposed to be with, will not think you are too much. I must be me at all times. You don’t have to change for the one that is yours. For there will be no hurdles or walls high enough to block what is supposed to be. Many women of our status feel that there is a shortage of men that can handle us, when in fact there are not. We are just giving the wrong ones the benefit of the doubt.

I promised myself, I wouldn’t do a new year, new me, and not going to make this blog that. However, it’s a new year and you need to be who you are. Don’t curve, or bend, who you are to fit someone else’s ego. You only end up with the short end of the stick. Be confident, you are beautiful, you are strong, you are smart, you are desired. You are attractive! Vet your relationships the same way you vet your friendships and don’t take any shorts. You don’t have to. Ladies, you are wonderful! Be Who You Are! Your blessing comes without your mask.

You’re Enough!

There are times that many of us hibernate to get thru difficult times. Some say this is not healthy and some may say its ok. Depression is not healthy and hiding in a funk is not alright. However, putting our head down and focusing on the future and nothing else, is not bad. There are situations in life that are going to need your undivided attention. During this time there may not be energy to focus on anything else. Especially when this task may have multiple strains that need to be fixed to get to where you would like to be.

I haven’t written in a while because I  have felt the most unqualified and inadequate I have ever felt in my life. I want to encourage and help others, however, how do you help one when you can’t help yourself. I have angels on my side that have been strategically placed in my life to help thru these times. I’m extremely grateful for each one of them. From them and these situations, I have learned, humility, patience, strength, perseverance, gratefulness, etc.  You must make the most out of each day and what you have. When you work daily towards progress, you tend to constantly feel like its never enough. However, what you have today is enough! I have taught my sons through these times that home is where we three are together. No matter where we may be.  I’m thankful for those that have been supportive, those that have been encouraging, those that have been genuine, those that have been thoughtful. We must even be thankful for those that have been demeaning, sneaky,  disingenuine, etc. Even those that may have turned there back or not been the support you may have thought they would be are to be thanked. For they made you and I push harder and work more consistently.

In these times we gain resilience, we gain ethic, we gain a perspective that broadens your view. For this, we are to be thankful. As this year ends and the challenges continue, I want to challenge you to practice jumping those hurdles that are present and are to come. You have made it this far and will continue to progress. Celebrate your many successes that you have had this year despite the issues.  You are not in the same place as you were last year at this time. That is more than enough to celebrate! Take this time take this season to celebrate you! Your life, your achievements, big or small, your triumphs, and the successes to come!

Masochist

I’m no Martyr just a masochist that loves hard, loves to be hurt by people, loves to deny myself pleasure, only straights of pain. The pain is pleasure, maybe that is all I think I deserve is pain. Sweet, lustful, break my heart into pieces pain, treat me like crap pain, walk over me like I’m nothing pain. Maybe there is pleasure in that pain. Why is that pain pleasure? Maybe it’s all I know. When your roots are made up of pain disguised as love maybe we start to think that all pain is made this way. The love we look for is some how in that box that is covered in thorns. Hands bleeding still trying to open the box that has the magical love in it. No matter what sacrifice we continue to try to find a way to open it. Hands cut up on not only on the outside but the heart is bleeds inside too. Wounds being infected by the germs in the open air. Not even feeling the pain just because we want to open this box so bad. What is love? Its never ending, it’s loving even when it’s not returned. Its masochistic, it’s loving even while you’re bleeding. It’s loving even while the knife continuously stab your back. Maybe we lovers are no martyrs maybe we are in fact masochist. One who takes pleasure in pain.

Losses

Have you ever lost something and wasn’t sure how you were going to make out without it?

A little over a year ago. I moved from a 3 bd house to a 2 bd apt. Some friends helped me moved and I couldn’t have been more grateful. Being I had ALOT of things, we ended up putting a few things elsewhere, temporarily, until I was able to unpack and make room. Well I quickly realized there was a very important box in these things. All of my memories, all of my photo albums, yearbooks, my kids baby books, my parents wedding book, achievement books for me and my children, my degrees, etc. There were other things stored like games, toys and furniture, but this box was the one I was looking for in particular. Long story short, everything was lost. I was so distraught from losing these precious memories and things, I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t even contain my emotions of anger and disappointment. I had literally lost over 30 something years of memories. I wished at that moment some of the stuff stayed at my moms. However, at that point there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. I was distraught. In my sorrow I had to find a way to live without it. I started, by having a mental burial for the stuff, I started to imagine, it was lost in a fire, although that was not the case. I had to make up in my mind that these things are gone and they are never coming back. It was difficult and still till this day, I sometimes start to search for something around my home and realize it was lost in “the fire”. This keeps my mind from shifting to the why and cause of why it’s gone. The cause of why it’s gone, was out of my control and I can not change a thing about it.

Mental strength comes when you stretch your mind, Physical strength comes when you stretch your muscles, Spiritual strength comes when you stretch your faith.

Sometimes relationships with people need to be dealt with in the same manner. I’ve heard people freak out or feel uncomfortable when someone explains they had a mental burial for another person. Why is that? This is an action that removes this person from your mind. Which is in fact healing. You can also forgive, however, I think more of us have a bigger challenges with that. I didn’t remove the responsible party from my life, I forgave them, however the subject is still touchy and I don’t want to talk about it. See there was strength created in forgiving. There is strength in continuing that friendship and not cutting that person off. I realized as of lately. I crave being stronger, I crave these challenges that make me lose myself in forgiveness. Every time I’m in the situation I sulk, as most of us do, it’s a part of healing. I ask why am I here again. However, I come out stronger each time. Sometimes that strength comes with bruises, but what strength comes without bruises. Mental strength comes when you stretch your mind, Physical strength comes when you stretch your muscles, Spiritual strength comes when you stretch your faith. So emotional strength comes when you stretch your empathy, when you’re able to unconditionally forgive.  Bruises heal, even broken bones and hearts heal too. Battle wounds may hurt when they strike however they are awesome when they heal!

The battle you are going thru is not the end. You will not break and whatever you do break will heal. The healing will create endurance, perseverance, and an even stronger resilience for anything coming your way. Fight the good fight. Either bury or forgive and keep it moving. Your time is money and spending too much time pursuing, worrying, or sulking is a loss to you not those who affected you.

Say this with me: You’re forgiven, it’s forgotten and I’m moving on!

Spoiled?

Spoiled….

Having standards is not spoiled!  The independent woman has been demonized in our society. She’s not easy! She’s has goals! She works too much!  OMG!! She has standards! Fellas, don’t leave this one is for you. I’ve seen a few post lately referencing the old school way of dating. Flowers from Walmart and her favorite fast food burger, is enough to make a woman feel loved. Grandiose gestures are welcome, but are not always needed. Women want to be shown you love them. Now not all women are the same and money is not always the way of being shown you love or care for her. However there are different ways of showing women that you care. Time being number one. Ladies love Good Morning text, it shows that you were thinking of her when you woke. Now on the other side of this, they do get annoying so, don’t wear it out. This blog wasn’t to give tips. Its to address women having standards. Do you have a daughter? What are the standards you have tried to implement with her? Would you want your daughter to settle for the way you are treating the woman in your life?

Ladies the men have standards too! I would like you all to ask what is the treatment you desire of your son. We have to learn to be cognizant of others. The standards we set for our own we should be willing to give to the others.

Now, not all peoples standards match. Your standards may be lower or higher than your significant others. In this case it is up to the couple to decide a level of standards that will satisfy both parties. This should be set early in the relationship to avoid any unnecessary misunderstandings. Understanding each other is truly key. I want to challenge you to understand the person you are dealing with deeper. I want to challenge you to understand more of your relationships in general. Having an understanding of where someone is coming from will deepen the connection in unimaginable ways.

So is it Spoiled or Standards?? Understand before you make an assumption.

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Mmm….

Love, respect and compromise.

Several conversations I’ve had recently prompted this post. Our culture attempts to follow biblical ways of relational pursuits in which a man should pursue a woman. However, it seems this is not what society follows. Many woman are sitting around waiting for a man to step up and approach a relationship by loving us when in reality we may have someone in love with us in close proximity. Trying to show us as we ignore them. As we all grow older, some men may decide maybe I should say something. Why does it take so long for this to happen? Why are more and more men insecure? How have we caused this? Why are we impatient with the process? This evening I watched a video that spoke on love and respect. Women desire to be loved while men desire to be respected. Whoa! I can see my single independent women saying. Respect what? Well, ladies how many women want a man they can’t respect?  I know I sure don’t and I want my sons to see me with someone I can respect. I didn’t remove that we need to be loved and a man should effectively show his woman love. Ladies we must effectively do the same. We have to respect that man in all lights, when he is up, when he is down, when we are happy or mad.  Man desires to be respected and as the leaders of our families and homes, they should.  I was also asked once why do I always have stalkers. Gentleman that just won’t leave me alone, no matter what. These guys are strictly friends and they have been friend zoned. However they find a tax question, they find a financial question, they find ways to send business my way. Why is that? I respected them, no matter how dirty or wrong they were in our past relationship. There was never a need for me to disrespect. One of my sayings, you have to let a man be a man. There are ways to shut people down with out being rude, disrespectful, or hurting feelings. Its just not necessary to me. I know that I tend to have more friends because I don’t believe in hurting even the meanest of folks feelings. Ladies ask, did you tell them about themselves? I reply, for what? People aren’t receptive to conflict. Once a voice raises, words tend to be blocked out. So why waste your breath and energy being in a huff? Is there a right way? Is there a wrong way? No not at all, there is your preference, your choice. If you choose to pursue relationships ladies great, you may truly find what is meant for you. If not, I don’t believe that you won’t find it either. I choose to be a friend and draw firm lines with people that do not have a chance. Do I need to be rude? No. Do I need to block you? No. How can you Love One Another by spreading hate and hurting feelings? I personally feel it is unnecessary and makes no gains, IMO. I may be slightly more annoyed, but life is annoying. We learn to compromise with life.  Why do we have such difficulty compromising in relationships?

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