Tag Archives: Healing

So Strong

You’re so strong

And what’s your point?
That is what most would like to know when they hear this comment. What is that supposed to mean?

This phrase is often given as a compliment. However, it usually isn’t received that way. The person that someone is usually saying this to has a lot on their plate. Many of times, they are struggling to see their way out of a situation or trying to overcome a burden. Instead of giving this compliment to your friend or family. How about you offer to pray for their continued strength. I have realized that people who usually receive this “comment” are carrying a burden they are struggling with. Most of the time, it’s not the time to say this. It’s time to offer help or support.

Your strong friends are usually the ones that will not ask for help no matter what. No matter how heavy that burden gets they will do their best to push through it. These are the friends to offer help or pray for or support in an unexpected way. I know these strong friends will also reject help this is why you find a way. Even if it is to just listen so they can release some of the burdens on their heart and mind.

I was reading or watching something recently I think it was a show. The friend told the person to just be there for the other friend. “Don’t say anything just sit with them.” You truly don’t know how important this is for people who are the ‘strong’ friend. Just sit with them, have dinner, have a drink, spend some time. This will mean more than you can even begin to understand.

Support those strong friends that support you because how do they endure if no one supports them the way they support others.

Relocation Part 2

Whew, I’m a long way from leaving home for 4 years, then coming back almost 4 years ago.

As I look back on the knowledge that I have gained through various wonderful and terrible experiences. I can ultimately say I am grateful. Today I am anyway. I had a conversation with my now podcast co-host that I was going to go through a period of depression when I returned home. She asked me, “Why did I think that?’. I responded as I had visually seen the future. 

Sidebar: Be careful what you speak into existence.  

About 2 months later I moved back home. Depression was immediate and tough times became tougher. Honestly speaking, I knew I couldn’t depend on people but I gave them a chance, anyway. This was not just one person, this was many. In the first 3 months, I went from already being homeless to also losing my children and my vehicle, as well. Devastated wasn’t the word, not even depressed, I was defeated. I was waving the white flag, just giving up. My family and friends tried to encourage me as much as they could, however, I felt like I had totally failed at life. I didn’t even want to serve my clients. Many of them wouldn’t take no for an answer. So I straightened up as much as I could and pushed forward. That first year really was a blur. I just tried to make myself happy in all the wrong ways. Through 4 places I stayed and 2 cars I acquired but didn’t have, I was still homeless. The first day I went back to work my transmission went. It took me a year to get that car fixed. 

The second-year was better than the first. I finally got my own place. A month in my own place I realized I was not in a good relationship and needed to get this out of my life. At the same time, in the back of my mind, I was scared to do things on my own and felt like I needed a person, a partner, a friend. I tried to push through unnecessary drama and still carried things on my own, I still felt like I needed him. When in reality, I didn’t. I was taking care of everything because I’m a superwoman. I really hate that, honestly, but I’ve always played that position even during the hardest of times.  It took me too long to get out. I grew during that year though. I grew mentally, physically, and spiritually. 

Through the even tougher times as I struggled to get back to me, I learned a lot. I assessed a lot. I asked myself why are you allowing these things in your life. I finally made up my mind to remove them in the third year. That was even more drama. However, on the other side of that relationship, I renewed my belief in myself. I realized that through all that mess, I looked for someone to save me and the only person I needed to save me was me. Relocating and removing myself from my environment created a different level of resilience that I’m not sure I was capable of before. 

So this year, I’m a superwoman for myself and my children. Year four, I’m dedicated to taking care of myself. I had to embrace that I am a super and will always be my own hero. I will be a superhero, for me!

Trust

Everyday is still a constant challenge. You realize you may need a help mate in life however it’s hard to trust people. Hard to depend on others. It’s hard it truly is. Trusting some one as a friend and trusting some one as a roommate or partner are two different levels. Thru the last few years many have offered many I turned down. Not because of lack of friendship but because of lack trust. Lack of trusting someone with your full life not just part of it. I’ve mastered the trust with part of it side not the trust with all of it side. Most don’t meet that standard. I’ve realized that over this time of lack. I don’t trust anyone with my whole life, I’m not sure if I ever will.
I have a method of avoidance. Consistently avoiding fully opening up or fully disclosing. Only partial,  always partial. I call it protecting my heart.  However I recognize it’s toxic.  Early childhood experiences from so called friends that betrayed me in many ways. I remember a distinct incident of a girl that came to my birthday party so they would have something to talk about. Through these incidents  I made an unconscious choice on how to deal with people in the future.  Don’t let them get too close.   Moving around has driven me insane and hasn’t made my trust any better.  So as I prepare to make more changes, I also prepare to open myself up to fully trusting someone.

Resources in the Valley

When in doubt, shift back to what you know. What has worked. Just reinvent and update the process to fit your current goal.

These daily activities keep me moving forward during tough times.
More often than not we have a bunch of other things going on in life than the stuff we need to focus on to push forward.

These are my daily six steps to keep myself going.

1. Uplift yourself.  You must always motivate yourself.  Whatever picks up your spirit!

2.Work in your purpose.
Working in your purpose always gives you a good feeling.

3.Organize your finances.
Review and look for more ways to save, invest and make money. 
*Don’t do this if it’s going to cause stress.

4.Take a Break! You deserve it!

5.Work towards your goal!
Another feel good activity, creating progress!

6. Celebrate your success!

Distance made the picture clearer

The further you step away from something the clearer you can see. The blessing here lies in walking away.  As I walk away I see more reasons why I should have a long time ago.  Why did I allow such things? What did I believe was wrong with me? I already knew abuse was not love, but I still continued to allow it.  Some men truly believe that violence will control a woman and some women fall for it.  I was her, when I thought I would never be her.  Truthfully I was more scared than I was in love.  I knew certain nights I wasn’t going to get sleep and I would mentally prepare myself for the bullshit. Weather, I was going to be woken out of my sleep to argue fight or cater to him.  Either way, I wasn’t sleeping.
Why did I think I needed someone I was supporting?
Ups were high and the lows were low.  Everything we’re not supposed to be doing always feels great.
It didn’t feel great when I’m around my friends and I’m the only one without my man.  It didn’t feel good when we would go anywhere in our hometown and he would find an excuse to leave.
It definitely didn’t feel good being smacked because my landlord called me after 9. Smacked choked, or yelled at ‘just cause’ in reality.  A lot of those incidents were just cause.  I was a fool.  Foolishly, supposedly in love. 
Love doesn’t hurt,  love doesn’t make you lower your standards, you don’t have to endure your confidence being diminished.
Love is truly patient,  love is kind,  it is not selfish.  Love does not cost anything.  Love is understanding.  Love is never disrespectful. 

Unloyal

That’s the one thing I asked. Don’t have me out here looking stupid.
This goes for all relationships.  Especially supposed friends and family.  I often reevaluate after big changes. So ending my 3 yr relationship has caused an analysis of relationships across the board.  Watch those closest to you as they are the ones that are in the best position to hurt you.  Create distance from any shady actions and watch from a distance. I wasn’t surprised at what I saw when I paid attention.

Why do we so often protect those that don’t protect us this goes for family as well. I believe in always being the bigger person. Yet the bigger person shouldn’t have to sacrifice or be humiliated on someone else’s behalf. At that point, it’s time to walk away from family, friendships, anyone disloyal.

What is loyalty? a strong feeling of support or allegiance. Why are we loyal to those who are not loyal to you. The fact that they don’t know what loyalty is, is not your problem. Honestly, those are the worst ones. Those that have had very few loyal to them so they are loyal to no one else other than themselves. They are the most toxic and need to be left alone. You are not the sacrifice. God said he would provide the sacrifice, so stop sacrificing yourself.

What is allegiance? loyalty or commitment of an individual to a group or cause.
So with that being said.  The breaking of loyalty or allegiance is reason enough for removal.  Even the slightest bit of disloyalty can’t be forgiven.  I fought so many battles that folks haven’t even heard of because you’re not disrespecting my loved ones to me ever. You can’t come to me in that fashion.  How can you kick someone’s back in and beg for forgiveness at the same time? It makes no sense.  It’s disloyal. How can you commit the ultimate disrespectful action and still come begging and crying? How? How can you keep secrets that got me out here looking stupid but supposedly you are one of my closest friends and or family? Please don’t walk side by side with me and you are contributing to the problem. We’re not doing that anymore. I rather walk alone than walk with snakes.

Everyone wants a pass. “Please look past my bs”….. HELL NO! So often folks complain about other folks instead of looking inside to figure out why are they allowing all of this to happen. Why haven’t you stepped up instead of blaming someone else? Because it’s easier to accuse than deal with yourself. I’m here to tell you through cutting people off, I also had to deal with myself and step up my standards. I shouldn’t allow people who are unloyal even in my presence. They may have been loyal before but they’re not loyal now, so distance is the fix.

Not A Girly Girl

She’s not a girly girl….

Have you ever wondered why she isn’t? Has she always been this way? Did she change? If so why?

So often we make statements about people and don’t value or care what’s in the root of it. We become who we are through experiences. Positive and negative experiences. Some mold us to be more optimistic, some make us closed off, and some give us drive.

I recently told my friend about an incident that happened to me in high school. Beginning of 10 the grade to be exact. About 10 guys tried to rape me. Thank God they were unsuccessful. This incident will effect me for the rest of my life and is part of the reason she’s not a girly girl. What hurt me the most is the same friend’s daughter came to here to tell her about an incident her best friend experienced over the weekend. The guys were successful. There is stuff that happens like this everyday and women are ashamed to talk about it. Many feel they were apart of the reason it happened to them. They weren’t smart, they were too provocative, they shouldn’t have been where they were, etc. It is never your fault ladies no matter what! Parents, teach your son’s this is unacceptable behavior ever. Parents also open the floor for your children to have honest conversation with you. The worst thing you can do is call your kid a liar. They may never want to be open with you again. Please keep in mind every experience molds us especially reactions to us exposing our truths.
No matter what, every experience effects us whether we like it or not. So it’s up to us make the best of it!

This Strange Feeling

This feeling I have, I’m trying to dismiss.

Yet every way I can push him he doesn’t resist.

He’s sticking around, to me that’s a little scary.

I’m so intrigued in one way however frightened in another.

That L word HELL NO That’s a place I don’t want to go.

However our souls collide and the vibes are right.

And I must admit he’s like a thief in the night he steals my thoughts.

Yet I don’t want this to happen I am losing this battle.

What battle are you fighting? Don’t make up an invisible one.

Are you in actual war and your heart needs to be protected or

Are you at war with fear of letting someone see you naked?

Are you running from happiness?

Are you running from your gift? Are you running from your soulmate?

Are you going to turn your back on this?

Could this be love? Is it real or fake?

These are the many questions we ask ourselves. To trust or not trust?

Is the question itself?

Do you open all the way to be let down again?

Or do you walk away from what could be because fear says don’t let him in?

Washed Up

“Washed up, left for dead, dissed and forgotten, they hoped that I’d be gone, stiff and rotten”, Nas said in Ether. So many people feel this way, men, and women, about past relationships, and the times they have put their hearts on the line.

I’ve placed my heart in the hands of men that didn’t have any good intentions, I’ve planned weddings with people that still had someone on the side, I’ve taken care of people when they couldn’t take care of themselves, while I could barely take care of myself. I’ve been a victim of physical abuse, I’ve been verbally abused. I’ve fought through mental abuse, I’ve been constantly torn down instead of loved. I’ve been his fool, I’ve been used, I’ve been deceived. I’ve even been patient while waiting for him to get it ‘together’. I’m sure many of you have conquered these things with me.

These things are not a mark of dishonor, they are actually a mark of an overcomer. You have overcome despite, being used, taken advantage of, unloved, fooled, the constant challenges, the constant heartbreak, the depression, and strife. These things have made you stronger, not weaker. Don’t be ashamed of the things that you have overcome. For you have gotten over the hurdle. You made it even though. You completed the challenge and continued moving forward. Your heart was broken and you tried again. This time is no different from any other time. You’ve learned a lesson, you’ve gained wisdom and knowledge. You may not be able to see it now, but this made you smarter, it made your actions more precise. We can make it thru this. Your failures are not what defines you, your actions after it is what develops character, strength, and perseverance. That’s what I admire. The perseverance that no matter what, I’m going to get up and try again.

Did you know that horseshoe crabs shed their shells? The process is called molting, this is how they grow. Sometimes, we may feel like we are that shell, hard on the outside and don’t want to let anyone in.  The shell that has washed up on the beach and has been left behind. When in reality we have shed our shell. We’ve taken another layer off, to expand our knowledge, our reach, our minds. We had to shed to grow. We had to go thru the lost to learn this lesson and experience this growth.

Do you know someone is looking up to you? Everytime you get up, someone else decides to get up too, because you tried again. You gave them the strength to do the same. There are many people that didn’t have much it easy growing up, yet they are relentless in their pursuit of success. It’s because they saw their parents/guardians get up and make the most out of every day, regardless of the outcome. It never stopped them.

Don’t let it stop you!

You’re Enough!

There are times that many of us hibernate to get thru difficult times. Some say this is not healthy and some may say its ok. Depression is not healthy and hiding in a funk is not alright. However, putting our head down and focusing on the future and nothing else, is not bad. There are situations in life that are going to need your undivided attention. During this time there may not be energy to focus on anything else. Especially when this task may have multiple strains that need to be fixed to get to where you would like to be.

I haven’t written in a while because I  have felt the most unqualified and inadequate I have ever felt in my life. I want to encourage and help others, however, how do you help one when you can’t help yourself. I have angels on my side that have been strategically placed in my life to help thru these times. I’m extremely grateful for each one of them. From them and these situations, I have learned, humility, patience, strength, perseverance, gratefulness, etc.  You must make the most out of each day and what you have. When you work daily towards progress, you tend to constantly feel like its never enough. However, what you have today is enough! I have taught my sons through these times that home is where we three are together. No matter where we may be.  I’m thankful for those that have been supportive, those that have been encouraging, those that have been genuine, those that have been thoughtful. We must even be thankful for those that have been demeaning, sneaky,  disingenuine, etc. Even those that may have turned there back or not been the support you may have thought they would be are to be thanked. For they made you and I push harder and work more consistently.

In these times we gain resilience, we gain ethic, we gain a perspective that broadens your view. For this, we are to be thankful. As this year ends and the challenges continue, I want to challenge you to practice jumping those hurdles that are present and are to come. You have made it this far and will continue to progress. Celebrate your many successes that you have had this year despite the issues.  You are not in the same place as you were last year at this time. That is more than enough to celebrate! Take this time take this season to celebrate you! Your life, your achievements, big or small, your triumphs, and the successes to come!