Tag Archives: Love

Finally, At Ease!

Brooke's Thoughts, Rough Times, , , , , ,

I would be lying if I said that my mind is at ease right now. I’ve started a slight tailspin of being overwhelmed. It’s been like this for months now. Always around the beginning of the month. Inadequacy tries to creep in slowly but surely. 

As I fight these feelings away, first I work towards the goal. I  try again, and I redo what has been done. I reinvent what needs to be done. Perhaps I did it the wrong way the first time. Second, I review and make sure I left nothing undone. I make sure I returned all calls and messages. I made sure I didn’t delay my response or my response was received. Third, I mentally release. (You are worth it; you work hard; your work is not in vain; you’re a great mom; you’re beautiful; you are confident). I started to chant against whatever is weighing me down.

Chant your burdens away, remember life and death are in the power of your tongue. Speak positively over anything you feel negatively about. Constantly think about the good things and walk in the positive light, instead of the negative. Most importantly, break for a moment, mentally, socially, and physically. Break, even if it’s for 10 min. Break! Clear your mind. I like to go outside to the park, backyard, or anywhere, there are natural surroundings. They soothe me, they calm me. Finally At Ease. 020717

I wrote this in 2017 and I believe that this is still very accurate to this day. You must find a way through the weary times and self-encouragement is number one on the list. This past year I recovered from being physically, mentally, and spiritually broken. What did I do during my time of recovery I followed my creator. I created consistency in my life towards doing the things that I am here to fulfill. I worked towards goals that I should have never left on the back burner. I focused on myself and my growth so I can then in turn help my family and others around me. If you don’t work on yourself, your pot will be empty to feed or serve others. I focused on my podcast. Our first full year is almost complete!

You need resources and positive outlets to help you during times of overcoming. You need to sometimes get on the phone and laugh about nothing. Then there will also be times when you need someone to challenge your negative thoughts. You need someone to feed the hunger of that dream that you’ve been dreaming that is very reachable with the right support system around you. 

I want you to dream! I want you to know your dream is reachable! I want you to know everything in life you wish to have, you can with consistency and determination! I need to hear this often and I’m here to make sure you hear this too! 

Let’s reach our goals together!

Why God?

Rough Times, , , , , , , ,

Why am I stuck in this position around people that don’t want me around? Either, they don’t want me around or they are just trying to be nice to me. I’m thankful for the good deeds, however, I’m hurt. I’m hurt, knowing that although I’m in your space you’ll never desire me to be there.  God, that hurts bad. Why every time I’m trying to escape these situations I’m unsuccessful? Why am I stuck here? Why was I stuck there?  Why am I here now? God! I’m so tired. I’m so worn down. I’m loved out. I’m tired of loving on people. I’m tired of loving anyone. 

I’m drained. I’ve tried to spread agape love, wherever I go. Is this what I’m reaping? When I’m nice, people take advantage. When I love, people take advantage. When I give, people take advantage. I don’t want to be used anymore. I don’t want to feel anymore. I want my guard back up. I don’t want to be transparent. I don’t want to be honest. I don’t want to talk about real feelings. The real answers hurt, they hurt too bad. I’m tired of being the strong, never hurt girl. The girl that people see as a robot without feelings. I have feelings and they hurt. I have morals and standards. God, I’m tired, this whole mess is draining. Rejection by your loved ones, this hurts the most. I just want to be desired. I want to feel like a woman or even a young girl that a schoolboy has a crush on. I just want one human that’s not my kids to love me unconditionally. Just one, am I asking too much. I’m not strong, I’m not impenetrable, I’m soft. I’m kind, and I love everyone unconditionally. I’m weak. I can’t take it anymore, I really can’t. 

As I wrote this in August I wept one early morning. I was broken to the core, and I still am. In 2017, I lost my home. In 2018, I lost my kids and business. During these losses, I lost hope in everything, as I tried to continue to find my way out of the woods. I just wanted to stay and sit and just be lost. Just being surrounded by no one. I reached the point of comfort in the wilderness. I started to try to figure out my why; my purpose in going through the things I went thru. 

Now 4 years later I’m still recovering, I’m far from where I was but recovery is a process. I’ve been able to see and embrace the lessons I needed to learn. The crying out of “Why God?” was one of my many breaking points. I was lost and I didn’t know what to do. I was lost for years. Even in finding my way out and changing my surroundings, I still was lost for a very long time. My last Why God? was me asking God why did I find comfort in abuse in unnecessary relationships. Ones that don’t benefit me or aren’t true to what they put on to be. What was the comfort in abuse? Why couldn’t I shake these bad things out of my life? 

Sometimes it’s just the moment of asking why that can open you up to find out the real answers that will shift things in your life. Many times we need to stop and ask why. That why can lead you to a reevaluation and a cognizant purposeful shift. Life is a journey full of lessons. So what you are going thru is only temporary and is not a permanent place in your life. You are only passing thru. Remember you got this! Keep pushing daily! 

Check out my podcast Resources in the Valley for more great tidbits on getting thru the tough times in life and business! 

Strength

Brooke's Thoughts, Matters of the Heart, , , , , ,

What do you do when you notice a close family member has the same characteristics as your abuser? I decided to love both from a distance as I’m currently unable to get rid of either one of the parties. However, just like AA recognizing the problem is the first step. I’ve recognized it and now I have to put a plan in place. A plan for negative things like this to not deter me or slow me down when pursuing my life goals. So often I hear folks say cut this one off, cut that one off. However, how are you growing when you eliminate people left and right. 

A talk with a long-time friend really encouraged me that I’m learning how to deal with things I can’t control but also allowing them not to affect me is key. I started to speak my truth as we were getting off the phone and she could understand so clearly that a call back was rendered. We finished our conversation in depth and we both grew from it. I thanked her so much because I needed it as much as she did. How do you deal with relatives that have the same characteristics as abusers? You love them from a distance, you steer the conversation, and you limit their time and topics that you will address with them. There is no love lost as these people are our relatives and there was a day when we would stop the world for them. However, in the growth of wisdom, we start to see things through clear not tinted eyes. We start to assess and address things for what they are. 

I’ve learned that I’m actually building strength in speaking to them. I’m learning how to deal with the next person I  come in contact with that has these characteristics. I’m learning to recognize the patterns immediately and how to remove or distance them from me and my mental capacity. Life is not only about learning but it is also about expanding our mental capacity and learning how to deal with and address things as soon as they happen. How to stop negativity at the drop of a dime. How to not respond to the start of a conversation addressing something negative. Is this the kind of energy you want to have in your spirit for the day? Nope! 

I’ve always been a go-to person that doesn’t go to anyone. I know there are people I can call but I believe my issues are my own burden to bare. Problems and issues are also a chance to address my choices and find where I made the choice that landed me in a hard spot. We have all the answers if we will be brutally honest with ourselves. I don’t even want to use the word brutal because it’s negative, let’s say truly honest to ourselves. Truly is the only thing you should want from others and you should give to others. However many find comfort in putting on a persona. The truth always comes to light there is not even any point in lying to yourself or others. 

Over the last few years being truly honest with myself has given me so much wisdom. Stopping and asking myself why I deal with people, what is the comfort in a negative relationship, what is good, and what is bad. All questions that are very telling of our mindset. 

Your mind is one of your most important assets and it is a terrible thing to waste. So take a moment to pause and ask yourself, what got me here and how can I change it?

Tune in to my podcast Resources in the Valley for more tidbits on getting out of the valley and climbing the mountain to success!

Relocation Part 2

Brooke's Thoughts, , , , , , , , , , , ,

Whew, I’m a long way from leaving home for 4 years, then coming back almost 4 years ago.

As I look back on the knowledge that I have gained through various wonderful and terrible experiences. I can ultimately say I am grateful. Today I am anyway. I had a conversation with my now podcast co-host that I was going to go through a period of depression when I returned home. She asked me, “Why did I think that?’. I responded as I had visually seen the future. 

Sidebar: Be careful what you speak into existence.  

About 2 months later I moved back home. Depression was immediate and tough times became tougher. Honestly speaking, I knew I couldn’t depend on people but I gave them a chance, anyway. This was not just one person, this was many. In the first 3 months, I went from already being homeless to also losing my children and my vehicle, as well. Devastated wasn’t the word, not even depressed, I was defeated. I was waving the white flag, just giving up. My family and friends tried to encourage me as much as they could, however, I felt like I had totally failed at life. I didn’t even want to serve my clients. Many of them wouldn’t take no for an answer. So I straightened up as much as I could and pushed forward. That first year really was a blur. I just tried to make myself happy in all the wrong ways. Through 4 places I stayed and 2 cars I acquired but didn’t have, I was still homeless. The first day I went back to work my transmission went. It took me a year to get that car fixed. 

The second-year was better than the first. I finally got my own place. A month in my own place I realized I was not in a good relationship and needed to get this out of my life. At the same time, in the back of my mind, I was scared to do things on my own and felt like I needed a person, a partner, a friend. I tried to push through unnecessary drama and still carried things on my own, I still felt like I needed him. When in reality, I didn’t. I was taking care of everything because I’m a superwoman. I really hate that, honestly, but I’ve always played that position even during the hardest of times.  It took me too long to get out. I grew during that year though. I grew mentally, physically, and spiritually. 

Through the even tougher times as I struggled to get back to me, I learned a lot. I assessed a lot. I asked myself why are you allowing these things in your life. I finally made up my mind to remove them in the third year. That was even more drama. However, on the other side of that relationship, I renewed my belief in myself. I realized that through all that mess, I looked for someone to save me and the only person I needed to save me was me. Relocating and removing myself from my environment created a different level of resilience that I’m not sure I was capable of before. 

So this year, I’m a superwoman for myself and my children. Year four, I’m dedicated to taking care of myself. I had to embrace that I am a super and will always be my own hero. I will be a superhero, for me!

Distance made the picture clearer

Brooke's Thoughts, Matters of the Heart, Rough Times, , , , ,

The further you step away from something the clearer you can see. The blessing here lies in walking away.  As I walk away I see more reasons why I should have a long time ago.  Why did I allow such things? What did I believe was wrong with me? I already knew abuse was not love, but I still continued to allow it.  Some men truly believe that violence will control a woman and some women fall for it.  I was her, when I thought I would never be her.  Truthfully I was more scared than I was in love.  I knew certain nights I wasn’t going to get sleep and I would mentally prepare myself for the bullshit. Weather, I was going to be woken out of my sleep to argue fight or cater to him.  Either way, I wasn’t sleeping.
Why did I think I needed someone I was supporting?
Ups were high and the lows were low.  Everything we’re not supposed to be doing always feels great.
It didn’t feel great when I’m around my friends and I’m the only one without my man.  It didn’t feel good when we would go anywhere in our hometown and he would find an excuse to leave.
It definitely didn’t feel good being smacked because my landlord called me after 9. Smacked choked, or yelled at ‘just cause’ in reality.  A lot of those incidents were just cause.  I was a fool.  Foolishly, supposedly in love. 
Love doesn’t hurt,  love doesn’t make you lower your standards, you don’t have to endure your confidence being diminished.
Love is truly patient,  love is kind,  it is not selfish.  Love does not cost anything.  Love is understanding.  Love is never disrespectful. 

Unloyal

Brooke's Thoughts, Matters of the Heart, , , ,

That’s the one thing I asked. Don’t have me out here looking stupid.
This goes for all relationships.  Especially supposed friends and family.  I often reevaluate after big changes. So ending my 3 yr relationship has caused an analysis of relationships across the board.  Watch those closest to you as they are the ones that are in the best position to hurt you.  Create distance from any shady actions and watch from a distance. I wasn’t surprised at what I saw when I paid attention.

Why do we so often protect those that don’t protect us this goes for family as well. I believe in always being the bigger person. Yet the bigger person shouldn’t have to sacrifice or be humiliated on someone else’s behalf. At that point, it’s time to walk away from family, friendships, anyone disloyal.

What is loyalty? a strong feeling of support or allegiance. Why are we loyal to those who are not loyal to you. The fact that they don’t know what loyalty is, is not your problem. Honestly, those are the worst ones. Those that have had very few loyal to them so they are loyal to no one else other than themselves. They are the most toxic and need to be left alone. You are not the sacrifice. God said he would provide the sacrifice, so stop sacrificing yourself.

What is allegiance? loyalty or commitment of an individual to a group or cause.
So with that being said.  The breaking of loyalty or allegiance is reason enough for removal.  Even the slightest bit of disloyalty can’t be forgiven.  I fought so many battles that folks haven’t even heard of because you’re not disrespecting my loved ones to me ever. You can’t come to me in that fashion.  How can you kick someone’s back in and beg for forgiveness at the same time? It makes no sense.  It’s disloyal. How can you commit the ultimate disrespectful action and still come begging and crying? How? How can you keep secrets that got me out here looking stupid but supposedly you are one of my closest friends and or family? Please don’t walk side by side with me and you are contributing to the problem. We’re not doing that anymore. I rather walk alone than walk with snakes.

Everyone wants a pass. “Please look past my bs”….. HELL NO! So often folks complain about other folks instead of looking inside to figure out why are they allowing all of this to happen. Why haven’t you stepped up instead of blaming someone else? Because it’s easier to accuse than deal with yourself. I’m here to tell you through cutting people off, I also had to deal with myself and step up my standards. I shouldn’t allow people who are unloyal even in my presence. They may have been loyal before but they’re not loyal now, so distance is the fix.

Single, Independent, & Unavailable

Brooke's Thoughts, , , ,

I, for one, am tired of single independent women catching such a bad wrap. She is single, and independent doesn’t mean she is unavailable. Have you taken a moment and asked that independent woman if she needs help? If you haven’t asked or attempted to ask, a woman, that you know that fits into this category, please don’t complain about women being independent. If you have asked this woman and really meant it. You may have discovered that she does need help. She may even be a little needy but not willing to delay herself by waiting for someone to help her. You may find out that in fact, she can’t do it all, she just has the courage to try. You may find that she is not holier than thou, she is actually very transparent and accepting of her faults and mistakes. You may find that if you try to break thru that tough exterior, by being true.  This woman is vulnerable, sweet, endearing, kind, loyal, dedicated, and just protecting her heart. I believe all relationship conversations need to start with truthful intentions. Most of the time, each parties intentions are different and someone hasn’t been honest.

Remember honesty is the best policy and it keeps us out of trouble.

Does money trump love?

Brooke's Thoughts, Matters of the Heart, ,

Life is not about love, it’s about money. Let’s just face it, Money makes the world go round. Right? Thus making people go round too. Being that everything in this world is based on money, many people have placed a value on things that have nothing to do with money. Like relationships, friendships, commitment, support, trust, I can go on, however I rather not.

I am one of a dying breed that believes there are things that money can’t buy. However, I have tremendously failed in all of thee above, life, relationships, parenting, etc. My failures are mostly connected to not enough money.  Let’s join the masses and place money at the top of my list, too. Right?

It truly seems like it works to me. No money no relationship, no money no friendship, no money no trust, no money no commitment, no money no support (no I don’t want to hear you shaggy dog story). No money no favors, etc. This is truly the attitudes of our surroundings. Many have told me they use to think it was selfish and now they don’t. I’m starting to understand their rhetoric. It makes sense. Worry about yourself and no one else. There is no such thing as a no-cost favor. It cost my time, my mental space, my gas, etc. I have always believed in doing no cost favors. I’m thinking maybe it’s time to change that. I still haven’t decided if this is wrong or right. It does protect home, however at what cost.

Although society has decided that money Trump’s loves. This doesn’t mean you have to conform to the group. At what cost do you sacrifice life for money. Do you lose family, friends, loved ones? Do you not cherish the quality of your true friendships and relationships? Should we trade those true friendships for lucrative relationships? Which are generally with those who possess vulture characteristics. What cost is money worth to you? I’m the first to say money is needed, being my background financial. However, it’s only needed for the true necessities.

To enjoy life, you must live life, love somebody, and make deeper connections. Money is not necessary. It’s merely a means of exchange. You can exchange your knowledge, you can exchange your services. There are many means of exchange. You must decide which one works for you. Through this storm, the people that have given me no cost favors have been lifesavers for me and I wouldn’t replace them for anything in the world. Nor would I take back any favors I’ve done for anyone else. I believe that we must truly love on one another from our hearts. Not questioning what we are going to gain from this. You change lives, through no-cost favors, you become a servant, through no-cost favors, you sacrifice yourself just a bit to show someone else that they are loved and not in it alone. That type of support can not be replaced by ANY amount of money. From time to time we may take a loss but the love created will never go away.

Money just does not Trump Love!

This Strange Feeling

Brooke's Thoughts, Matters of the Heart, , , , ,

This feeling I have, I’m trying to dismiss.

Yet every way I can push him he doesn’t resist.

He’s sticking around, to me that’s a little scary.

I’m so intrigued in one way however frightened in another.

That L word HELL NO That’s a place I don’t want to go.

However our souls collide and the vibes are right.

And I must admit he’s like a thief in the night he steals my thoughts.

Yet I don’t want this to happen I am losing this battle.

What battle are you fighting? Don’t make up an invisible one.

Are you in actual war and your heart needs to be protected or

Are you at war with fear of letting someone see you naked?

Are you running from happiness?

Are you running from your gift? Are you running from your soulmate?

Are you going to turn your back on this?

Could this be love? Is it real or fake?

These are the many questions we ask ourselves. To trust or not trust?

Is the question itself?

Do you open all the way to be let down again?

Or do you walk away from what could be because fear says don’t let him in?

Washed Up

Brooke's Thoughts, Matters of the Heart, Rough Times, , , , , , , , , ,

“Washed up, left for dead, dissed and forgotten, they hoped that I’d be gone, stiff and rotten”, Nas said in Ether. So many people feel this way, men, and women, about past relationships, and the times they have put their hearts on the line.

I’ve placed my heart in the hands of men that didn’t have any good intentions, I’ve planned weddings with people that still had someone on the side, I’ve taken care of people when they couldn’t take care of themselves, while I could barely take care of myself. I’ve been a victim of physical abuse, I’ve been verbally abused. I’ve fought through mental abuse, I’ve been constantly torn down instead of loved. I’ve been his fool, I’ve been used, I’ve been deceived. I’ve even been patient while waiting for him to get it ‘together’. I’m sure many of you have conquered these things with me.

These things are not a mark of dishonor, they are actually a mark of an overcomer. You have overcome despite, being used, taken advantage of, unloved, fooled, the constant challenges, the constant heartbreak, the depression, and strife. These things have made you stronger, not weaker. Don’t be ashamed of the things that you have overcome. For you have gotten over the hurdle. You made it even though. You completed the challenge and continued moving forward. Your heart was broken and you tried again. This time is no different from any other time. You’ve learned a lesson, you’ve gained wisdom and knowledge. You may not be able to see it now, but this made you smarter, it made your actions more precise. We can make it thru this. Your failures are not what defines you, your actions after it is what develops character, strength, and perseverance. That’s what I admire. The perseverance that no matter what, I’m going to get up and try again.

Did you know that horseshoe crabs shed their shells? The process is called molting, this is how they grow. Sometimes, we may feel like we are that shell, hard on the outside and don’t want to let anyone in.  The shell that has washed up on the beach and has been left behind. When in reality we have shed our shell. We’ve taken another layer off, to expand our knowledge, our reach, our minds. We had to shed to grow. We had to go thru the lost to learn this lesson and experience this growth.

Do you know someone is looking up to you? Everytime you get up, someone else decides to get up too, because you tried again. You gave them the strength to do the same. There are many people that didn’t have much it easy growing up, yet they are relentless in their pursuit of success. It’s because they saw their parents/guardians get up and make the most out of every day, regardless of the outcome. It never stopped them.

Don’t let it stop you!