Tag Archives: Single Life

So Strong

You’re so strong

And what’s your point?
That is what most would like to know when they hear this comment. What is that supposed to mean?

This phrase is often given as a compliment. However, it usually isn’t received that way. The person that someone is usually saying this to has a lot on their plate. Many of times, they are struggling to see their way out of a situation or trying to overcome a burden. Instead of giving this compliment to your friend or family. How about you offer to pray for their continued strength. I have realized that people who usually receive this “comment” are carrying a burden they are struggling with. Most of the time, it’s not the time to say this. It’s time to offer help or support.

Your strong friends are usually the ones that will not ask for help no matter what. No matter how heavy that burden gets they will do their best to push through it. These are the friends to offer help or pray for or support in an unexpected way. I know these strong friends will also reject help this is why you find a way. Even if it is to just listen so they can release some of the burdens on their heart and mind.

I was reading or watching something recently I think it was a show. The friend told the person to just be there for the other friend. “Don’t say anything just sit with them.” You truly don’t know how important this is for people who are the ‘strong’ friend. Just sit with them, have dinner, have a drink, spend some time. This will mean more than you can even begin to understand.

Support those strong friends that support you because how do they endure if no one supports them the way they support others.

Relocation Part 2

Whew, I’m a long way from leaving home for 4 years, then coming back almost 4 years ago.

As I look back on the knowledge that I have gained through various wonderful and terrible experiences. I can ultimately say I am grateful. Today I am anyway. I had a conversation with my now podcast co-host that I was going to go through a period of depression when I returned home. She asked me, “Why did I think that?’. I responded as I had visually seen the future. 

Sidebar: Be careful what you speak into existence.  

About 2 months later I moved back home. Depression was immediate and tough times became tougher. Honestly speaking, I knew I couldn’t depend on people but I gave them a chance, anyway. This was not just one person, this was many. In the first 3 months, I went from already being homeless to also losing my children and my vehicle, as well. Devastated wasn’t the word, not even depressed, I was defeated. I was waving the white flag, just giving up. My family and friends tried to encourage me as much as they could, however, I felt like I had totally failed at life. I didn’t even want to serve my clients. Many of them wouldn’t take no for an answer. So I straightened up as much as I could and pushed forward. That first year really was a blur. I just tried to make myself happy in all the wrong ways. Through 4 places I stayed and 2 cars I acquired but didn’t have, I was still homeless. The first day I went back to work my transmission went. It took me a year to get that car fixed. 

The second-year was better than the first. I finally got my own place. A month in my own place I realized I was not in a good relationship and needed to get this out of my life. At the same time, in the back of my mind, I was scared to do things on my own and felt like I needed a person, a partner, a friend. I tried to push through unnecessary drama and still carried things on my own, I still felt like I needed him. When in reality, I didn’t. I was taking care of everything because I’m a superwoman. I really hate that, honestly, but I’ve always played that position even during the hardest of times.  It took me too long to get out. I grew during that year though. I grew mentally, physically, and spiritually. 

Through the even tougher times as I struggled to get back to me, I learned a lot. I assessed a lot. I asked myself why are you allowing these things in your life. I finally made up my mind to remove them in the third year. That was even more drama. However, on the other side of that relationship, I renewed my belief in myself. I realized that through all that mess, I looked for someone to save me and the only person I needed to save me was me. Relocating and removing myself from my environment created a different level of resilience that I’m not sure I was capable of before. 

So this year, I’m a superwoman for myself and my children. Year four, I’m dedicated to taking care of myself. I had to embrace that I am a super and will always be my own hero. I will be a superhero, for me!

Trust

Everyday is still a constant challenge. You realize you may need a help mate in life however it’s hard to trust people. Hard to depend on others. It’s hard it truly is. Trusting some one as a friend and trusting some one as a roommate or partner are two different levels. Thru the last few years many have offered many I turned down. Not because of lack of friendship but because of lack trust. Lack of trusting someone with your full life not just part of it. I’ve mastered the trust with part of it side not the trust with all of it side. Most don’t meet that standard. I’ve realized that over this time of lack. I don’t trust anyone with my whole life, I’m not sure if I ever will.
I have a method of avoidance. Consistently avoiding fully opening up or fully disclosing. Only partial,  always partial. I call it protecting my heart.  However I recognize it’s toxic.  Early childhood experiences from so called friends that betrayed me in many ways. I remember a distinct incident of a girl that came to my birthday party so they would have something to talk about. Through these incidents  I made an unconscious choice on how to deal with people in the future.  Don’t let them get too close.   Moving around has driven me insane and hasn’t made my trust any better.  So as I prepare to make more changes, I also prepare to open myself up to fully trusting someone.

Distance made the picture clearer

The further you step away from something the clearer you can see. The blessing here lies in walking away.  As I walk away I see more reasons why I should have a long time ago.  Why did I allow such things? What did I believe was wrong with me? I already knew abuse was not love, but I still continued to allow it.  Some men truly believe that violence will control a woman and some women fall for it.  I was her, when I thought I would never be her.  Truthfully I was more scared than I was in love.  I knew certain nights I wasn’t going to get sleep and I would mentally prepare myself for the bullshit. Weather, I was going to be woken out of my sleep to argue fight or cater to him.  Either way, I wasn’t sleeping.
Why did I think I needed someone I was supporting?
Ups were high and the lows were low.  Everything we’re not supposed to be doing always feels great.
It didn’t feel great when I’m around my friends and I’m the only one without my man.  It didn’t feel good when we would go anywhere in our hometown and he would find an excuse to leave.
It definitely didn’t feel good being smacked because my landlord called me after 9. Smacked choked, or yelled at ‘just cause’ in reality.  A lot of those incidents were just cause.  I was a fool.  Foolishly, supposedly in love. 
Love doesn’t hurt,  love doesn’t make you lower your standards, you don’t have to endure your confidence being diminished.
Love is truly patient,  love is kind,  it is not selfish.  Love does not cost anything.  Love is understanding.  Love is never disrespectful. 

Unloyal

That’s the one thing I asked. Don’t have me out here looking stupid.
This goes for all relationships.  Especially supposed friends and family.  I often reevaluate after big changes. So ending my 3 yr relationship has caused an analysis of relationships across the board.  Watch those closest to you as they are the ones that are in the best position to hurt you.  Create distance from any shady actions and watch from a distance. I wasn’t surprised at what I saw when I paid attention.

Why do we so often protect those that don’t protect us this goes for family as well. I believe in always being the bigger person. Yet the bigger person shouldn’t have to sacrifice or be humiliated on someone else’s behalf. At that point, it’s time to walk away from family, friendships, anyone disloyal.

What is loyalty? a strong feeling of support or allegiance. Why are we loyal to those who are not loyal to you. The fact that they don’t know what loyalty is, is not your problem. Honestly, those are the worst ones. Those that have had very few loyal to them so they are loyal to no one else other than themselves. They are the most toxic and need to be left alone. You are not the sacrifice. God said he would provide the sacrifice, so stop sacrificing yourself.

What is allegiance? loyalty or commitment of an individual to a group or cause.
So with that being said.  The breaking of loyalty or allegiance is reason enough for removal.  Even the slightest bit of disloyalty can’t be forgiven.  I fought so many battles that folks haven’t even heard of because you’re not disrespecting my loved ones to me ever. You can’t come to me in that fashion.  How can you kick someone’s back in and beg for forgiveness at the same time? It makes no sense.  It’s disloyal. How can you commit the ultimate disrespectful action and still come begging and crying? How? How can you keep secrets that got me out here looking stupid but supposedly you are one of my closest friends and or family? Please don’t walk side by side with me and you are contributing to the problem. We’re not doing that anymore. I rather walk alone than walk with snakes.

Everyone wants a pass. “Please look past my bs”….. HELL NO! So often folks complain about other folks instead of looking inside to figure out why are they allowing all of this to happen. Why haven’t you stepped up instead of blaming someone else? Because it’s easier to accuse than deal with yourself. I’m here to tell you through cutting people off, I also had to deal with myself and step up my standards. I shouldn’t allow people who are unloyal even in my presence. They may have been loyal before but they’re not loyal now, so distance is the fix.

Not A Girly Girl

She’s not a girly girl….

Have you ever wondered why she isn’t? Has she always been this way? Did she change? If so why?

So often we make statements about people and don’t value or care what’s in the root of it. We become who we are through experiences. Positive and negative experiences. Some mold us to be more optimistic, some make us closed off, and some give us drive.

I recently told my friend about an incident that happened to me in high school. Beginning of 10 the grade to be exact. About 10 guys tried to rape me. Thank God they were unsuccessful. This incident will effect me for the rest of my life and is part of the reason she’s not a girly girl. What hurt me the most is the same friend’s daughter came to here to tell her about an incident her best friend experienced over the weekend. The guys were successful. There is stuff that happens like this everyday and women are ashamed to talk about it. Many feel they were apart of the reason it happened to them. They weren’t smart, they were too provocative, they shouldn’t have been where they were, etc. It is never your fault ladies no matter what! Parents, teach your son’s this is unacceptable behavior ever. Parents also open the floor for your children to have honest conversation with you. The worst thing you can do is call your kid a liar. They may never want to be open with you again. Please keep in mind every experience molds us especially reactions to us exposing our truths.
No matter what, every experience effects us whether we like it or not. So it’s up to us make the best of it!

Single, Independent, & Unavailable

I, for one, am tired of single independent women catching such a bad wrap. She is single, and independent doesn’t mean she is unavailable. Have you taken a moment and asked that independent woman if she needs help? If you haven’t asked or attempted to ask, a woman, that you know that fits into this category, please don’t complain about women being independent. If you have asked this woman and really meant it. You may have discovered that she does need help. She may even be a little needy but not willing to delay herself by waiting for someone to help her. You may find out that in fact, she can’t do it all, she just has the courage to try. You may find that she is not holier than thou, she is actually very transparent and accepting of her faults and mistakes. You may find that if you try to break thru that tough exterior, by being true.  This woman is vulnerable, sweet, endearing, kind, loyal, dedicated, and just protecting her heart. I believe all relationship conversations need to start with truthful intentions. Most of the time, each parties intentions are different and someone hasn’t been honest.

Remember honesty is the best policy and it keeps us out of trouble.

Dating vs Courting

My plan was not to make this blog about dating or being single necessarily, but to discuss hurdles we all may have to conquer eventually. As a single woman in my mid-30s, this topic comes up often. I’ve heard many women ask how to tell whether you’re courting as opposed to dating. Many women who are practicing celibacy state they would like to court not date. I decided I wanted to discuss this to see what your opinions are and if people, in general, have the same opinion.

So I asked FB, lol. If you’re not googling it these days, you ask facebook. I actually received some great feedback. Some of it was expected, some unexpected. My favorite comment so far stated at the end of it that, “dating can become courting and courting can never become dating.” This struck a chord with me as this demonstrated the seriousness and the commitment of courting. This also made very clear that in courting, if you’re not moving towards the goal of a serious relationship or marriage, you’re not even interacting. To me, this speaks volumes and shows courting as very intentional in the growth of the relationship. Most of the feedback said the difference is that when courting, your focus is on the future and on that special person rather than dating which is spending time with anyone available.  I agree with all of the feedback I received.

I can definitely agree courting it is totally different from dating and may be something you may not be familiar with until it occurs. I’m honestly not familiar with it myself. I believe that the conversation is different, the reactions to one another are different yet intentional. You care about the other party’s feelings and opinion. You speak about finances in depth. You speak about health in depth. You speak about families in depth. Discussion of pet peeves and desires, not expectations so much, because you are both in a position where you want to set the expectations together. This is what I believe courting will entail. I also hope for courting to include the absolute want to understand the other party. The need to feel accomplished until they can fully understand thoughts and maybe even actions.

I don’t believe in dating much, as I truly believe it is a waste of time at my age. I believe that dating should be finished after the first or second date. At this point, you should know whether you truly have an interest in this person or not. It may be able to go on a little longer to turn into courting, however, I don’t think it takes that much time to truly gauge seriousness.

How do you know if you’re dating or courting? I still don’t know, however, I’m trying to learn. How can you recognize the difference? Let’s learn to recognize the differences together.

Please leave your thoughts below as this is only the beginning of this topic. Let’s list out the characteristics of courting so that my ladies looking for this will know what to expect.

 

Be Who You Are…

This week I came to terms with a relationship that did not need to be. I confirmed something that I suspected all along, but I would not follow my gut. It only took a few months in this relationship for me to realize that things weren’t right. However, I still carried on to give this person the benefit of the doubt. Of course, as most men do every time I tried to cut ties, he all of the sudden found a way to reel me in.

As I reflect on this situation to learn the lessons that I needed to learn I found several things. First, I have to stop waiting to see what I already suspect. When we suspect something it disturbs your peace. No relationship should disturb your peace. If anything, it should bring you more peace of mind and self- confidence. Second, I realized that you don’t have to give anyone the benefit of the doubt. Do you give your platonic friends the benefit of the doubt? Not as much as those we give in a romantic relationship. Why is that? It’s because we desire companionship. However, companionship is not made of confusion. The third thing I learned is you must be who you are. I realized that in my pursuit to find a companion I have watered myself down. I have softened up, I have become nicer (putting some of my standards aside). I call myself spreading agape love, which we should give to everyone, however, our personal emotions we still must protect. I found myself trying to love someone into loving me. None of this works, ladies, stay strong, stay independent, stay busy. Keep your standards, stick to your guns, and the person you are supposed to be with, will not think you are too much. I must be me at all times. You don’t have to change for the one that is yours. For there will be no hurdles or walls high enough to block what is supposed to be. Many women of our status feel that there is a shortage of men that can handle us, when in fact there are not. We are just giving the wrong ones the benefit of the doubt.

I promised myself, I wouldn’t do a new year, new me, and not going to make this blog that. However, it’s a new year and you need to be who you are. Don’t curve, or bend, who you are to fit someone else’s ego. You only end up with the short end of the stick. Be confident, you are beautiful, you are strong, you are smart, you are desired. You are attractive! Vet your relationships the same way you vet your friendships and don’t take any shorts. You don’t have to. Ladies, you are wonderful! Be Who You Are! Your blessing comes without your mask.

You’re Enough!

There are times that many of us hibernate to get thru difficult times. Some say this is not healthy and some may say its ok. Depression is not healthy and hiding in a funk is not alright. However, putting our head down and focusing on the future and nothing else, is not bad. There are situations in life that are going to need your undivided attention. During this time there may not be energy to focus on anything else. Especially when this task may have multiple strains that need to be fixed to get to where you would like to be.

I haven’t written in a while because I  have felt the most unqualified and inadequate I have ever felt in my life. I want to encourage and help others, however, how do you help one when you can’t help yourself. I have angels on my side that have been strategically placed in my life to help thru these times. I’m extremely grateful for each one of them. From them and these situations, I have learned, humility, patience, strength, perseverance, gratefulness, etc.  You must make the most out of each day and what you have. When you work daily towards progress, you tend to constantly feel like its never enough. However, what you have today is enough! I have taught my sons through these times that home is where we three are together. No matter where we may be.  I’m thankful for those that have been supportive, those that have been encouraging, those that have been genuine, those that have been thoughtful. We must even be thankful for those that have been demeaning, sneaky,  disingenuine, etc. Even those that may have turned there back or not been the support you may have thought they would be are to be thanked. For they made you and I push harder and work more consistently.

In these times we gain resilience, we gain ethic, we gain a perspective that broadens your view. For this, we are to be thankful. As this year ends and the challenges continue, I want to challenge you to practice jumping those hurdles that are present and are to come. You have made it this far and will continue to progress. Celebrate your many successes that you have had this year despite the issues.  You are not in the same place as you were last year at this time. That is more than enough to celebrate! Take this time take this season to celebrate you! Your life, your achievements, big or small, your triumphs, and the successes to come!