Everyday is still a constant challenge. You realize you may need a help mate in life however it’s hard to trust people. Hard to depend on others. It’s hard it truly is. Trusting some one as a friend and trusting some one as a roommate or partner are two different levels. Thru the last few years many have offered many I turned down. Not because of lack of friendship but because of lack trust. Lack of trusting someone with your full life not just part of it. I’ve mastered the trust with part of it side not the trust with all of it side. Most don’t meet that standard. I’ve realized that over this time of lack. I don’t trust anyone with my whole life, I’m not sure if I ever will.
I have a method of avoidance. Consistently avoiding fully opening up or fully disclosing. Only partial, always partial. I call it protecting my heart. However I recognize it’s toxic. Early childhood experiences from so called friends that betrayed me in many ways. I remember a distinct incident of a girl that came to my birthday party so they would have something to talk about. Through these incidents I made an unconscious choice on how to deal with people in the future. Don’t let them get too close. Moving around has driven me insane and hasn’t made my trust any better. So as I prepare to make more changes, I also prepare to open myself up to fully trusting someone.
She’s not a girly girl….
Have you ever wondered why she isn’t? Has she always been this way? Did she change? If so why?
So often we make statements about people and don’t value or care what’s in the root of it. We become who we are through experiences. Positive and negative experiences. Some mold us to be more optimistic, some make us closed off, and some give us drive.
I recently told my friend about an incident that happened to me in high school. Beginning of 10 the grade to be exact. About 10 guys tried to rape me. Thank God they were unsuccessful. This incident will effect me for the rest of my life and is part of the reason she’s not a girly girl. What hurt me the most is the same friend’s daughter came to here to tell her about an incident her best friend experienced over the weekend. The guys were successful. There is stuff that happens like this everyday and women are ashamed to talk about it. Many feel they were apart of the reason it happened to them. They weren’t smart, they were too provocative, they shouldn’t have been where they were, etc. It is never your fault ladies no matter what! Parents, teach your son’s this is unacceptable behavior ever. Parents also open the floor for your children to have honest conversation with you. The worst thing you can do is call your kid a liar. They may never want to be open with you again. Please keep in mind every experience molds us especially reactions to us exposing our truths.
No matter what, every experience effects us whether we like it or not. So it’s up to us make the best of it!
I, for one, am tired of single independent women catching such a bad wrap. She is single, and independent doesn’t mean she is unavailable. Have you taken a moment and asked that independent woman if she needs help? If you haven’t asked or attempted to ask, a woman, that you know that fits into this category, please don’t complain about women being independent. If you have asked this woman and really meant it. You may have discovered that she does need help. She may even be a little needy but not willing to delay herself by waiting for someone to help her. You may find out that in fact, she can’t do it all, she just has the courage to try. You may find that she is not holier than thou, she is actually very transparent and accepting of her faults and mistakes. You may find that if you try to break thru that tough exterior, by being true. This woman is vulnerable, sweet, endearing, kind, loyal, dedicated, and just protecting her heart. I believe all relationship conversations need to start with truthful intentions. Most of the time, each parties intentions are different and someone hasn’t been honest.
Remember honesty is the best policy and it keeps us out of trouble.
My plan was not to make this blog about dating or being single necessarily, but to discuss hurdles we all may have to conquer eventually. As a single woman in my mid-30s, this topic comes up often. I’ve heard many women ask how to tell whether you’re courting as opposed to dating. Many women who are practicing celibacy state they would like to court not date. I decided I wanted to discuss this to see what your opinions are and if people, in general, have the same opinion.
So I asked FB, lol. If you’re not googling it these days, you ask facebook. I actually received some great feedback. Some of it was expected, some unexpected. My favorite comment so far stated at the end of it that, “dating can become courting and courting can never become dating.” This struck a chord with me as this demonstrated the seriousness and the commitment of courting. This also made very clear that in courting, if you’re not moving towards the goal of a serious relationship or marriage, you’re not even interacting. To me, this speaks volumes and shows courting as very intentional in the growth of the relationship. Most of the feedback said the difference is that when courting, your focus is on the future and on that special person rather than dating which is spending time with anyone available. I agree with all of the feedback I received.
I can definitely agree courting it is totally different from dating and may be something you may not be familiar with until it occurs. I’m honestly not familiar with it myself. I believe that the conversation is different, the reactions to one another are different yet intentional. You care about the other party’s feelings and opinion. You speak about finances in depth. You speak about health in depth. You speak about families in depth. Discussion of pet peeves and desires, not expectations so much, because you are both in a position where you want to set the expectations together. This is what I believe courting will entail. I also hope for courting to include the absolute want to understand the other party. The need to feel accomplished until they can fully understand thoughts and maybe even actions.
I don’t believe in dating much, as I truly believe it is a waste of time at my age. I believe that dating should be finished after the first or second date. At this point, you should know whether you truly have an interest in this person or not. It may be able to go on a little longer to turn into courting, however, I don’t think it takes that much time to truly gauge seriousness.
How do you know if you’re dating or courting? I still don’t know, however, I’m trying to learn. How can you recognize the difference? Let’s learn to recognize the differences together.
Please leave your thoughts below as this is only the beginning of this topic. Let’s list out the characteristics of courting so that my ladies looking for this will know what to expect.
This week I came to terms with a relationship that did not need to be. I confirmed something that I suspected all along, but I would not follow my gut. It only took a few months in this relationship for me to realize that things weren’t right. However, I still carried on to give this person the benefit of the doubt. Of course, as most men do every time I tried to cut ties, he all of the sudden found a way to reel me in.
As I reflect on this situation to learn the lessons that I needed to learn I found several things. First, I have to stop waiting to see what I already suspect. When we suspect something it disturbs your peace. No relationship should disturb your peace. If anything, it should bring you more peace of mind and self- confidence. Second, I realized that you don’t have to give anyone the benefit of the doubt. Do you give your platonic friends the benefit of the doubt? Not as much as those we give in a romantic relationship. Why is that? It’s because we desire companionship. However, companionship is not made of confusion. The third thing I learned is you must be who you are. I realized that in my pursuit to find a companion I have watered myself down. I have softened up, I have become nicer (putting some of my standards aside). I call myself spreading agape love, which we should give to everyone, however, our personal emotions we still must protect. I found myself trying to love someone into loving me. None of this works, ladies, stay strong, stay independent, stay busy. Keep your standards, stick to your guns, and the person you are supposed to be with, will not think you are too much. I must be me at all times. You don’t have to change for the one that is yours. For there will be no hurdles or walls high enough to block what is supposed to be. Many women of our status feel that there is a shortage of men that can handle us, when in fact there are not. We are just giving the wrong ones the benefit of the doubt.
I promised myself, I wouldn’t do a new year, new me, and not going to make this blog that. However, it’s a new year and you need to be who you are. Don’t curve, or bend, who you are to fit someone else’s ego. You only end up with the short end of the stick. Be confident, you are beautiful, you are strong, you are smart, you are desired. You are attractive! Vet your relationships the same way you vet your friendships and don’t take any shorts. You don’t have to. Ladies, you are wonderful! Be Who You Are! Your blessing comes without your mask.
There are times that many of us hibernate to get thru difficult times. Some say this is not healthy and some may say its ok. Depression is not healthy and hiding in a funk is not alright. However, putting our head down and focusing on the future and nothing else, is not bad. There are situations in life that are going to need your undivided attention. During this time there may not be energy to focus on anything else. Especially when this task may have multiple strains that need to be fixed to get to where you would like to be.
I haven’t written in a while because I have felt the most unqualified and inadequate I have ever felt in my life. I want to encourage and help others, however, how do you help one when you can’t help yourself. I have angels on my side that have been strategically placed in my life to help thru these times. I’m extremely grateful for each one of them. From them and these situations, I have learned, humility, patience, strength, perseverance, gratefulness, etc. You must make the most out of each day and what you have. When you work daily towards progress, you tend to constantly feel like its never enough. However, what you have today is enough! I have taught my sons through these times that home is where we three are together. No matter where we may be. I’m thankful for those that have been supportive, those that have been encouraging, those that have been genuine, those that have been thoughtful. We must even be thankful for those that have been demeaning, sneaky, disingenuine, etc. Even those that may have turned there back or not been the support you may have thought they would be are to be thanked. For they made you and I push harder and work more consistently.
In these times we gain resilience, we gain ethic, we gain a perspective that broadens your view. For this, we are to be thankful. As this year ends and the challenges continue, I want to challenge you to practice jumping those hurdles that are present and are to come. You have made it this far and will continue to progress. Celebrate your many successes that you have had this year despite the issues. You are not in the same place as you were last year at this time. That is more than enough to celebrate! Take this time take this season to celebrate you! Your life, your achievements, big or small, your triumphs, and the successes to come!
Having standards is not spoiled! The independent woman has been demonized in our society. She’s not easy! She’s has goals! She works too much! OMG!! She has standards! Fellas, don’t leave this one is for you. I’ve seen a few post lately referencing the old school way of dating. Flowers from Walmart and her favorite fast food burger, is enough to make a woman feel loved. Grandiose gestures are welcome, but are not always needed. Women want to be shown you love them. Now not all women are the same and money is not always the way of being shown you love or care for her. However there are different ways of showing women that you care. Time being number one. Ladies love Good Morning text, it shows that you were thinking of her when you woke. Now on the other side of this, they do get annoying so, don’t wear it out. This blog wasn’t to give tips. Its to address women having standards. Do you have a daughter? What are the standards you have tried to implement with her? Would you want your daughter to settle for the way you are treating the woman in your life?
Ladies the men have standards too! I would like you all to ask what is the treatment you desire of your son. We have to learn to be cognizant of others. The standards we set for our own we should be willing to give to the others.
Now, not all peoples standards match. Your standards may be lower or higher than your significant others. In this case it is up to the couple to decide a level of standards that will satisfy both parties. This should be set early in the relationship to avoid any unnecessary misunderstandings. Understanding each other is truly key. I want to challenge you to understand the person you are dealing with deeper. I want to challenge you to understand more of your relationships in general. Having an understanding of where someone is coming from will deepen the connection in unimaginable ways.
So is it Spoiled or Standards?? Understand before you make an assumption.
We tend to set a criteria of what we desire and then we subconsciously look for just that. We steer ourselves in the direction to obtain those qualities. We find them on our own, they are not good enough, or not at least what we expected. We become saddened by our choice not satisfying our hearts desire. When we follow the path to our goal and become so focused on that goal. The blessing tends to find you, it comes in the most unassuming package. It delights us with that thing that we have been in search of. Human nature kicks in, we want to wallow in delight, instead of continuing to focus on the end goal. Don’t get stuck in the celebration. We have to remember to keep our eyes on our goal and enjoy the moments along the way. Celebrate the blessing however remain focused. This is only a step in the right direction and not the end point. I want to encourage you as I encourage myself, celebrate the blessing and then use that celebration to continue to propel yourself forward. Much lock in your aspirations.
You never know what you’re missing until you have had another taste. I’ve been so lost and I got the taste. I found it! It taste like sweet poison. A compliment, a joke, a simple hey, can rejuvenate a human more than most even know. Someone showing you love when no one other than your children truly have in so long. Someone to put a smile on your face. Time alone is great, however it comes with huge sacrifices. The lack of human validation and consistent human love, builds character and strength. As hard as it is to let someone into your space, your energy, your time, when you receive that energy it is hard to deny it. It is an ego booster which does boost us mentally, spiritually.
Poison, how does it taste? No the taste is not always poison, but it can become poison. It can distract you, because now you crave another taste. The quick fix wasn’t enough. That is what is great about celibacy once you have reduced the craving it is no longer a thought. Just don’t allow yourself to get a taste before it is time. That taste changes your thinking it reroutes your subconscious. Ladies, I know many of us who are single and 30+ very often crave a taste. However, is that taste worth it, from the wrong person? What will you sacrifice if the taste is not right?
Love, respect and compromise.
Several conversations I’ve had recently prompted this post. Our culture attempts to follow biblical ways of relational pursuits in which a man should pursue a woman. However, it seems this is not what society follows. Many woman are sitting around waiting for a man to step up and approach a relationship by loving us when in reality we may have someone in love with us in close proximity. Trying to show us as we ignore them. As we all grow older, some men may decide maybe I should say something. Why does it take so long for this to happen? Why are more and more men insecure? How have we caused this? Why are we impatient with the process? This evening I watched a video that spoke on love and respect. Women desire to be loved while men desire to be respected. Whoa! I can see my single independent women saying. Respect what? Well, ladies how many women want a man they can’t respect? I know I sure don’t and I want my sons to see me with someone I can respect. I didn’t remove that we need to be loved and a man should effectively show his woman love. Ladies we must effectively do the same. We have to respect that man in all lights, when he is up, when he is down, when we are happy or mad. Man desires to be respected and as the leaders of our families and homes, they should. I was also asked once why do I always have stalkers. Gentleman that just won’t leave me alone, no matter what. These guys are strictly friends and they have been friend zoned. However they find a tax question, they find a financial question, they find ways to send business my way. Why is that? I respected them, no matter how dirty or wrong they were in our past relationship. There was never a need for me to disrespect. One of my sayings, you have to let a man be a man. There are ways to shut people down with out being rude, disrespectful, or hurting feelings. Its just not necessary to me. I know that I tend to have more friends because I don’t believe in hurting even the meanest of folks feelings. Ladies ask, did you tell them about themselves? I reply, for what? People aren’t receptive to conflict. Once a voice raises, words tend to be blocked out. So why waste your breath and energy being in a huff? Is there a right way? Is there a wrong way? No not at all, there is your preference, your choice. If you choose to pursue relationships ladies great, you may truly find what is meant for you. If not, I don’t believe that you won’t find it either. I choose to be a friend and draw firm lines with people that do not have a chance. Do I need to be rude? No. Do I need to block you? No. How can you Love One Another by spreading hate and hurting feelings? I personally feel it is unnecessary and makes no gains, IMO. I may be slightly more annoyed, but life is annoying. We learn to compromise with life. Why do we have such difficulty compromising in relationships?