Tag Archives: Standards

Finally, At Ease!

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I would be lying if I said that my mind is at ease right now. I’ve started a slight tailspin of being overwhelmed. It’s been like this for months now. Always around the beginning of the month. Inadequacy tries to creep in slowly but surely. 

As I fight these feelings away, first I work towards the goal. I  try again, and I redo what has been done. I reinvent what needs to be done. Perhaps I did it the wrong way the first time. Second, I review and make sure I left nothing undone. I make sure I returned all calls and messages. I made sure I didn’t delay my response or my response was received. Third, I mentally release. (You are worth it; you work hard; your work is not in vain; you’re a great mom; you’re beautiful; you are confident). I started to chant against whatever is weighing me down.

Chant your burdens away, remember life and death are in the power of your tongue. Speak positively over anything you feel negatively about. Constantly think about the good things and walk in the positive light, instead of the negative. Most importantly, break for a moment, mentally, socially, and physically. Break, even if it’s for 10 min. Break! Clear your mind. I like to go outside to the park, backyard, or anywhere, there are natural surroundings. They soothe me, they calm me. Finally At Ease. 020717

I wrote this in 2017 and I believe that this is still very accurate to this day. You must find a way through the weary times and self-encouragement is number one on the list. This past year I recovered from being physically, mentally, and spiritually broken. What did I do during my time of recovery I followed my creator. I created consistency in my life towards doing the things that I am here to fulfill. I worked towards goals that I should have never left on the back burner. I focused on myself and my growth so I can then in turn help my family and others around me. If you don’t work on yourself, your pot will be empty to feed or serve others. I focused on my podcast. Our first full year is almost complete!

You need resources and positive outlets to help you during times of overcoming. You need to sometimes get on the phone and laugh about nothing. Then there will also be times when you need someone to challenge your negative thoughts. You need someone to feed the hunger of that dream that you’ve been dreaming that is very reachable with the right support system around you. 

I want you to dream! I want you to know your dream is reachable! I want you to know everything in life you wish to have, you can with consistency and determination! I need to hear this often and I’m here to make sure you hear this too! 

Let’s reach our goals together!

Why God?

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Why am I stuck in this position around people that don’t want me around? Either, they don’t want me around or they are just trying to be nice to me. I’m thankful for the good deeds, however, I’m hurt. I’m hurt, knowing that although I’m in your space you’ll never desire me to be there.  God, that hurts bad. Why every time I’m trying to escape these situations I’m unsuccessful? Why am I stuck here? Why was I stuck there?  Why am I here now? God! I’m so tired. I’m so worn down. I’m loved out. I’m tired of loving on people. I’m tired of loving anyone. 

I’m drained. I’ve tried to spread agape love, wherever I go. Is this what I’m reaping? When I’m nice, people take advantage. When I love, people take advantage. When I give, people take advantage. I don’t want to be used anymore. I don’t want to feel anymore. I want my guard back up. I don’t want to be transparent. I don’t want to be honest. I don’t want to talk about real feelings. The real answers hurt, they hurt too bad. I’m tired of being the strong, never hurt girl. The girl that people see as a robot without feelings. I have feelings and they hurt. I have morals and standards. God, I’m tired, this whole mess is draining. Rejection by your loved ones, this hurts the most. I just want to be desired. I want to feel like a woman or even a young girl that a schoolboy has a crush on. I just want one human that’s not my kids to love me unconditionally. Just one, am I asking too much. I’m not strong, I’m not impenetrable, I’m soft. I’m kind, and I love everyone unconditionally. I’m weak. I can’t take it anymore, I really can’t. 

As I wrote this in August I wept one early morning. I was broken to the core, and I still am. In 2017, I lost my home. In 2018, I lost my kids and business. During these losses, I lost hope in everything, as I tried to continue to find my way out of the woods. I just wanted to stay and sit and just be lost. Just being surrounded by no one. I reached the point of comfort in the wilderness. I started to try to figure out my why; my purpose in going through the things I went thru. 

Now 4 years later I’m still recovering, I’m far from where I was but recovery is a process. I’ve been able to see and embrace the lessons I needed to learn. The crying out of “Why God?” was one of my many breaking points. I was lost and I didn’t know what to do. I was lost for years. Even in finding my way out and changing my surroundings, I still was lost for a very long time. My last Why God? was me asking God why did I find comfort in abuse in unnecessary relationships. Ones that don’t benefit me or aren’t true to what they put on to be. What was the comfort in abuse? Why couldn’t I shake these bad things out of my life? 

Sometimes it’s just the moment of asking why that can open you up to find out the real answers that will shift things in your life. Many times we need to stop and ask why. That why can lead you to a reevaluation and a cognizant purposeful shift. Life is a journey full of lessons. So what you are going thru is only temporary and is not a permanent place in your life. You are only passing thru. Remember you got this! Keep pushing daily! 

Check out my podcast Resources in the Valley for more great tidbits on getting thru the tough times in life and business! 

Scheduled Chaos

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Do we live in scheduled chaos?

Few can manipulate the constant demands placed by daily life, while most allow the pressure to slow them down. We need to approach chaos head-on with common sense, multi-tasking, and organizational classes to give life pointers. This would benefit our community to assist the dependent to reach their goals.

In our daily lives, we somehow find a way to normalize busyness. From waking up to start the day and possibly fitting in a workout or some other morning routine, before heading out to work. Staying at work for 8-10 hours and then returning home to start your evening activities. Between running children around, taking classes, and running errands. We have dinner and hope to get enough sleep to feel refreshed to do it again in the morning. Most may actually slightly desire chaos as they push harder with more against them. These people often work a regular FT job or 2 PTs and manage to find time to go to school or run another business on the side. Many still have families that they take care of at home in addition and they actually get bored when they don’t have that additional time occupied. Slightly addicted to the Chaos?

Is this chaos healthy or toxic? Is this a push toward the greater good or is it a stumbling block that slows us down? Perhaps this chaos separates the successful from the unsuccessful? Who’s to say what success is?  There are many that feel comfortable with the glass ceiling they placed above their own head. Anything unfamiliar stops their drive to higher ground. What if we empowered people to believe in themselves for real? Like you can do anything you want to do, or you don’t have to follow the framework of your neighbor. What if we taught refocus in times of stress? How much further would our community be as a whole? I believe we need to approach chaos head-on with common sense, multi-tasking, and organizational classes to give life pointers. I’m sure we all know a few that would benefit from common sense 101.

Strength

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What do you do when you notice a close family member has the same characteristics as your abuser? I decided to love both from a distance as I’m currently unable to get rid of either one of the parties. However, just like AA recognizing the problem is the first step. I’ve recognized it and now I have to put a plan in place. A plan for negative things like this to not deter me or slow me down when pursuing my life goals. So often I hear folks say cut this one off, cut that one off. However, how are you growing when you eliminate people left and right. 

A talk with a long-time friend really encouraged me that I’m learning how to deal with things I can’t control but also allowing them not to affect me is key. I started to speak my truth as we were getting off the phone and she could understand so clearly that a call back was rendered. We finished our conversation in depth and we both grew from it. I thanked her so much because I needed it as much as she did. How do you deal with relatives that have the same characteristics as abusers? You love them from a distance, you steer the conversation, and you limit their time and topics that you will address with them. There is no love lost as these people are our relatives and there was a day when we would stop the world for them. However, in the growth of wisdom, we start to see things through clear not tinted eyes. We start to assess and address things for what they are. 

I’ve learned that I’m actually building strength in speaking to them. I’m learning how to deal with the next person I  come in contact with that has these characteristics. I’m learning to recognize the patterns immediately and how to remove or distance them from me and my mental capacity. Life is not only about learning but it is also about expanding our mental capacity and learning how to deal with and address things as soon as they happen. How to stop negativity at the drop of a dime. How to not respond to the start of a conversation addressing something negative. Is this the kind of energy you want to have in your spirit for the day? Nope! 

I’ve always been a go-to person that doesn’t go to anyone. I know there are people I can call but I believe my issues are my own burden to bare. Problems and issues are also a chance to address my choices and find where I made the choice that landed me in a hard spot. We have all the answers if we will be brutally honest with ourselves. I don’t even want to use the word brutal because it’s negative, let’s say truly honest to ourselves. Truly is the only thing you should want from others and you should give to others. However many find comfort in putting on a persona. The truth always comes to light there is not even any point in lying to yourself or others. 

Over the last few years being truly honest with myself has given me so much wisdom. Stopping and asking myself why I deal with people, what is the comfort in a negative relationship, what is good, and what is bad. All questions that are very telling of our mindset. 

Your mind is one of your most important assets and it is a terrible thing to waste. So take a moment to pause and ask yourself, what got me here and how can I change it?

Tune in to my podcast Resources in the Valley for more tidbits on getting out of the valley and climbing the mountain to success!

Relocation Part 2

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Whew, I’m a long way from leaving home for 4 years, then coming back almost 4 years ago.

As I look back on the knowledge that I have gained through various wonderful and terrible experiences. I can ultimately say I am grateful. Today I am anyway. I had a conversation with my now podcast co-host that I was going to go through a period of depression when I returned home. She asked me, “Why did I think that?’. I responded as I had visually seen the future. 

Sidebar: Be careful what you speak into existence.  

About 2 months later I moved back home. Depression was immediate and tough times became tougher. Honestly speaking, I knew I couldn’t depend on people but I gave them a chance, anyway. This was not just one person, this was many. In the first 3 months, I went from already being homeless to also losing my children and my vehicle, as well. Devastated wasn’t the word, not even depressed, I was defeated. I was waving the white flag, just giving up. My family and friends tried to encourage me as much as they could, however, I felt like I had totally failed at life. I didn’t even want to serve my clients. Many of them wouldn’t take no for an answer. So I straightened up as much as I could and pushed forward. That first year really was a blur. I just tried to make myself happy in all the wrong ways. Through 4 places I stayed and 2 cars I acquired but didn’t have, I was still homeless. The first day I went back to work my transmission went. It took me a year to get that car fixed. 

The second-year was better than the first. I finally got my own place. A month in my own place I realized I was not in a good relationship and needed to get this out of my life. At the same time, in the back of my mind, I was scared to do things on my own and felt like I needed a person, a partner, a friend. I tried to push through unnecessary drama and still carried things on my own, I still felt like I needed him. When in reality, I didn’t. I was taking care of everything because I’m a superwoman. I really hate that, honestly, but I’ve always played that position even during the hardest of times.  It took me too long to get out. I grew during that year though. I grew mentally, physically, and spiritually. 

Through the even tougher times as I struggled to get back to me, I learned a lot. I assessed a lot. I asked myself why are you allowing these things in your life. I finally made up my mind to remove them in the third year. That was even more drama. However, on the other side of that relationship, I renewed my belief in myself. I realized that through all that mess, I looked for someone to save me and the only person I needed to save me was me. Relocating and removing myself from my environment created a different level of resilience that I’m not sure I was capable of before. 

So this year, I’m a superwoman for myself and my children. Year four, I’m dedicated to taking care of myself. I had to embrace that I am a super and will always be my own hero. I will be a superhero, for me!

Trust

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Everyday is still a constant challenge. You realize you may need a help mate in life however it’s hard to trust people. Hard to depend on others. It’s hard it truly is. Trusting some one as a friend and trusting some one as a roommate or partner are two different levels. Thru the last few years many have offered many I turned down. Not because of lack of friendship but because of lack trust. Lack of trusting someone with your full life not just part of it. I’ve mastered the trust with part of it side not the trust with all of it side. Most don’t meet that standard. I’ve realized that over this time of lack. I don’t trust anyone with my whole life, I’m not sure if I ever will.
I have a method of avoidance. Consistently avoiding fully opening up or fully disclosing. Only partial,  always partial. I call it protecting my heart.  However I recognize it’s toxic.  Early childhood experiences from so called friends that betrayed me in many ways. I remember a distinct incident of a girl that came to my birthday party so they would have something to talk about. Through these incidents  I made an unconscious choice on how to deal with people in the future.  Don’t let them get too close.   Moving around has driven me insane and hasn’t made my trust any better.  So as I prepare to make more changes, I also prepare to open myself up to fully trusting someone.

Distance made the picture clearer

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The further you step away from something the clearer you can see. The blessing here lies in walking away.  As I walk away I see more reasons why I should have a long time ago.  Why did I allow such things? What did I believe was wrong with me? I already knew abuse was not love, but I still continued to allow it.  Some men truly believe that violence will control a woman and some women fall for it.  I was her, when I thought I would never be her.  Truthfully I was more scared than I was in love.  I knew certain nights I wasn’t going to get sleep and I would mentally prepare myself for the bullshit. Weather, I was going to be woken out of my sleep to argue fight or cater to him.  Either way, I wasn’t sleeping.
Why did I think I needed someone I was supporting?
Ups were high and the lows were low.  Everything we’re not supposed to be doing always feels great.
It didn’t feel great when I’m around my friends and I’m the only one without my man.  It didn’t feel good when we would go anywhere in our hometown and he would find an excuse to leave.
It definitely didn’t feel good being smacked because my landlord called me after 9. Smacked choked, or yelled at ‘just cause’ in reality.  A lot of those incidents were just cause.  I was a fool.  Foolishly, supposedly in love. 
Love doesn’t hurt,  love doesn’t make you lower your standards, you don’t have to endure your confidence being diminished.
Love is truly patient,  love is kind,  it is not selfish.  Love does not cost anything.  Love is understanding.  Love is never disrespectful. 

Desire, dedication & determination

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Desire: to long or to hope for; to exhibit or feel desire for; to express a wish for.
Dedication: devoted to a cause, ideal, or purpose: given over to a particular purpose
Determination: firm or fixed intention to achieve desired end. ; the act of deciding definitely or firmly. Also, the result of such an act of decision.

These words represent three states of mind you have while pursuing your goals. These mindsets determine your approach and the work you will put towards them regardless of how soon you see results. When you start a business, you must work for a future return, not an immediate return. If you are looking for an immediate monetary return, be very careful. I’m not saying it can’t happen, I’m here to say that consistent actions towards the completion of a project or management of a business is required before you can truly enjoy the rewards. Work is required.

Desire is the first phase. I call this stage the ‘dream mode’. In this phase, you decide that you want to start the business. You start to talk about it and ask questions to find out what starting this business may entail. During this phase, you decide if this is going to be a dream or reality. You decide that you can do this, or you decide that you would love to do that one day. You tell yourself you’ll put it off until  “I have time, when I have money, when I retire, etc.” The excuses roll in and this dream of starting this business becomes just that–a dream. Your dream becomes something you put off to the side and never work on. If you are currently in this phase, research methods of support, different streams of income to include, ways to start things for free, true professional costs, licenses, and insurance, etc. Make a plan and find a mentor. A good mentor is going to encourage you and help push you thru this process. A business consultant can do this as well. If you would like to work with me, check out http://www.blainelacar.com

Dedication is the second phase. During this phase, you consciously decide your next steps. You decide to dedicate your energy towards this cause. You do more research and you find more ways to get this business started. You decide that this can be done and you want to do what it takes to reach the goal. Your desire to reach this goal has expanded and changed into a passion to get this thing done. This is the phase where planning becomes action and you usually start to lay the foundation of the business. You have a need to reach success. You start working in the evenings towards your new business. You may even quit your day job to commit more time to this business and live off your savings. This phase is exhausting. You’re working and seeing some return, but you would like to grow bigger. With a bigger business comes more sacrifices and a greater investment. You definitely want to grow so you move to the next step.

Determination is phase three and this is the phase before things truly take off. This is the phase when you have worked so hard, you may start to become frustrated. You may feel like “maybe I should end this and move on to something else.” You feel like you are stuck. This phase is painful yet beautiful. Your tears of pain, passion, and confusion will turn into tears of joy. You gain a compassion to take your business to the next level. You find plans of action, investors, partners, and new products or services to include. During this phase, many become tired of working towards something without output. You’re investing more time and not making much profit. You may be taking a loss, you may be doing all the work, or you may be having trouble finding dedicated help. This is the phase where you should take the time to analyze. Make sure you are using all of your resources and delegating responsibility properly. Most importantly, keep working towards the goal. On the other side of determination is SUCCESS!

Rest, recharge, refocus

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I learned today that when you are told to rest. Rest! My planned rest day, that only included lunch with a friend, quickly turned into a busy day. Started working at 7:30 and didn’t stop, other than lunch, until the evening. My motto, there is always something to do, makes it very hard to take a break. Despite the day, rest didn’t happen. This is often the story of my life and as I keep hearing “just rest”, being whispered to me more and more, the harder I’m working. Well, life directs us and you will find out how God speaks to you whether, it’s thru symbols, the word, quiet time, running, etc. Every relationship is different, just know when your being directed and follow the directions.

Over the past year, I have been told to rest in every way shape or form. My personality ignores it, I try to half rest, but I do something else. As the new year came upon us. I began to question my routine. Routines that I started and ended. Routines that I let get away from me, even though the results were great.

On the third day of the year , fell. I make most of my immediate income moving around. Throughout the challenges my family and I faced over the past few months, I let things that I was working on get away from me.  With adding immobility into a long list of challenges, I truly had to rest. I can’t move around as freely and as I regularly as I am used to.  I truly started to focus on the word rest. We mostly associate rest with sleep, doing nothing, watching a movie, spending time with family etc. I started to evaluate my routines. I don’t allow my family time to be cancelled, I consciously try to consistently make time to spend on myself. I started to ask myself what’s missing: development. My development time has been cancelled and pushed to the side.

So all though I kept receiving the word rest, it really wanted me to focus. I needed to rest to determine what was missing. I needed to rest to have reflection time. I needed to recharge and refocus. I needed to get back down to basics, the foundational stuff. Any house without, a firm foundation will always fall, the same goes for your business and your life.

So thru the challenges and thru the unplanned and forced rest, I recharged and refocused. Sometimes we hear a word or choose a word fo the year and it may not be that particular word you are supposed to focus on, that word may open the door for a more important word. Watch your focus, remove distractions, and rest before you are forced.

Everyday you get a chance to make a change thru your choices!

This Strange Feeling

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This feeling I have, I’m trying to dismiss.

Yet every way I can push him he doesn’t resist.

He’s sticking around, to me that’s a little scary.

I’m so intrigued in one way however frightened in another.

That L word HELL NO That’s a place I don’t want to go.

However our souls collide and the vibes are right.

And I must admit he’s like a thief in the night he steals my thoughts.

Yet I don’t want this to happen I am losing this battle.

What battle are you fighting? Don’t make up an invisible one.

Are you in actual war and your heart needs to be protected or

Are you at war with fear of letting someone see you naked?

Are you running from happiness?

Are you running from your gift? Are you running from your soulmate?

Are you going to turn your back on this?

Could this be love? Is it real or fake?

These are the many questions we ask ourselves. To trust or not trust?

Is the question itself?

Do you open all the way to be let down again?

Or do you walk away from what could be because fear says don’t let him in?