I’m no Martyr just a masochist that loves hard, loves to be hurt by people, loves to deny myself pleasure, only straights of pain. The pain is pleasure, maybe that is all I think I deserve is pain. Sweet, lustful, break my heart into pieces pain, treat me like crap pain, walk over me like I’m nothing pain. Maybe there is pleasure in that pain. Why is that pain pleasure? Maybe it’s all I know. When your roots are made up of pain disguised as love maybe we start to think that all pain is made this way. The love we look for is some how in that box that is covered in thorns. Hands bleeding still trying to open the box that has the magical love in it. No matter what sacrifice we continue to try to find a way to open it. Hands cut up on not only on the outside but the heart is bleeds inside too. Wounds being infected by the germs in the open air. Not even feeling the pain just because we want to open this box so bad. What is love? Its never ending, it’s loving even when it’s not returned. Its masochistic, it’s loving even while you’re bleeding. It’s loving even while the knife continuously stab your back. Maybe we lovers are no martyrs maybe we are in fact masochist. One who takes pleasure in pain.
Category Archives: Brooke’s Thoughts
Everything Happens for a Reason
I’m a true believer of everything happens for a reason. So there is a reason why I opened myself up to dating this year, to only waste my time. There is a reason why I’m stuck in the house this weekend. There is a reason every time we get overlooked for a job, there is a reason every time we don’t pass a test, there is a reason for every heart break and fall. There is a reason for every loss.
Every time we lose something or are faced with an attention getting challenge, we are forced to reevaluate. This month we are redefining in July. What is it that you are redefining? I thought I was redefining my focus, however after sitting over the last few days with nowhere or no way to go anywhere. My redefining of my focus is way larger than I originally understood. I had to place some things into action. I had to fully forgive some people. I had to see the bigger picture in current situations. I had to see that where one door closed, many others opened. I needed to initiate things that I had been placing to the way side because of fear of failure. Never mind being busy chasing a check. Everything is not about money and I am fully aware of it. I even exercise this in my life and teach my children there are many things that money can’t buy, but are way more important. However, money makes the world go round. Very often, we are pulled to what has to be done to have money to provide for our families and loved ones.
I have felt like I have been being directed for months to rest. However, I really don’t know what that means. My rest usually consist of doing things for others instead of myself. I still run around, do favors for people, and I never deny business. My rest is networking, finding more clients, while having a drink. I know that’s not rest. Even when I’m on vacation I’m having business meetings and still checking emails, etc. I just got into an argument this morning about an upcoming vacation and how I have made so many business plans for the trip.
My 3 days of rest were not desired and I definitely didn’t want to be stuck in my house. This time during my rest, I did something for me. I completed things that I have wanted to do or start. I reevaluated relationships, personal and business. I analyzed my growth plans for each business. I made a lot of progress at home. I rested! I actually rested! I pampered myself, thanks to the friend that reiterated this to me a few times. I deep cleaned my house, the boys are going to flip, their room is Air BnB ready, lol. I put new ideas into action. I meditated, I sat and just planned and analyzed. I worked out twice a day. I even realized my event on Friday happened 3 years ago on the same exact day. I just wasn’t grounded this long. Although, this realization made me realize there is triumph on the other side. Also, to take a rest and just let things be the way they are.
When do you truly rest? How do you truly refocus? Are you refocusing properly? Are you refocusing on the thing that is going to propel you in the right direction? I am now.
Hope this helps someone today!
Losses
Have you ever lost something and wasn’t sure how you were going to make out without it?
A little over a year ago. I moved from a 3 bd house to a 2 bd apt. Some friends helped me moved and I couldn’t have been more grateful. Being I had ALOT of things, we ended up putting a few things elsewhere, temporarily, until I was able to unpack and make room. Well I quickly realized there was a very important box in these things. All of my memories, all of my photo albums, yearbooks, my kids baby books, my parents wedding book, achievement books for me and my children, my degrees, etc. There were other things stored like games, toys and furniture, but this box was the one I was looking for in particular. Long story short, everything was lost. I was so distraught from losing these precious memories and things, I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t even contain my emotions of anger and disappointment. I had literally lost over 30 something years of memories. I wished at that moment some of the stuff stayed at my moms. However, at that point there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. I was distraught. In my sorrow I had to find a way to live without it. I started, by having a mental burial for the stuff, I started to imagine, it was lost in a fire, although that was not the case. I had to make up in my mind that these things are gone and they are never coming back. It was difficult and still till this day, I sometimes start to search for something around my home and realize it was lost in “the fire”. This keeps my mind from shifting to the why and cause of why it’s gone. The cause of why it’s gone, was out of my control and I can not change a thing about it.
Mental strength comes when you stretch your mind, Physical strength comes when you stretch your muscles, Spiritual strength comes when you stretch your faith.
Sometimes relationships with people need to be dealt with in the same manner. I’ve heard people freak out or feel uncomfortable when someone explains they had a mental burial for another person. Why is that? This is an action that removes this person from your mind. Which is in fact healing. You can also forgive, however, I think more of us have a bigger challenges with that. I didn’t remove the responsible party from my life, I forgave them, however the subject is still touchy and I don’t want to talk about it. See there was strength created in forgiving. There is strength in continuing that friendship and not cutting that person off. I realized as of lately. I crave being stronger, I crave these challenges that make me lose myself in forgiveness. Every time I’m in the situation I sulk, as most of us do, it’s a part of healing. I ask why am I here again. However, I come out stronger each time. Sometimes that strength comes with bruises, but what strength comes without bruises. Mental strength comes when you stretch your mind, Physical strength comes when you stretch your muscles, Spiritual strength comes when you stretch your faith. So emotional strength comes when you stretch your empathy, when you’re able to unconditionally forgive. Bruises heal, even broken bones and hearts heal too. Battle wounds may hurt when they strike however they are awesome when they heal!
The battle you are going thru is not the end. You will not break and whatever you do break will heal. The healing will create endurance, perseverance, and an even stronger resilience for anything coming your way. Fight the good fight. Either bury or forgive and keep it moving. Your time is money and spending too much time pursuing, worrying, or sulking is a loss to you not those who affected you.
Say this with me: You’re forgiven, it’s forgotten and I’m moving on!
Miscarriage
Have you or a loved one experienced a miscarriage? This is one of the most disheartening events I have ever experienced. I had a miscarriage Halloween 2009. My body pushed the baby out. When I realized the extreme pains was my body miscarrying, it was too late there was nothing I could do. I miscarried at 4 months. I had made it to my second trimester, it was totally unexpected. I thought I had made it over the hump, boy was I wrong. I was taking my son trick or treating and had to leave him with my neighbors in a rush. Per doctors, most miscarriages are random and causes are not pinpointed. A miscarriage is not only a loss of your baby. It tends to bring doubt about the ability to even carry a child. I felt as if I would never be able to have another full term pregnancy again. I questioned myself as to what I had done wrong. Even my doctor tried to assure me it wasn’t my fault. However, I still thought that it was my fault, I had failed at giving the best to my unborn child. Not only did depression kick in at thought of loosing my child, the fear of never being able to give birth again was a much bigger burden. Most women feel obligated to be able to have children and if they can’t it is depressing. They tend to doubt themselves. I felt as if my body had failed me and I may have no longer been equipped to have another child.
I think about my child every Halloween. Was it a boy or girl? Who would they look like? What would their personality be like? Miscarriage tends to be an unspoken subject. As many women feel incompetent. I can count on one hand, how many people knew about this event. They weren’t the closest people to me either. They were the ones that would listen and keep the secret. We deal with things internally and not externally. Sometimes we need to talk it out with someone that cares and that can encourage us to keep on. If you had a miscarriage or someone you know has had one, I want to encourage you or them today. That miscarriage is not the end of your story and you will have many more blessings in life. You will have another chance to give life or raise a child. Remember it takes a village to raise a child and with or without child you are an important part of your village.
Imani
Imani means Faith!
Her name in numerology equals 1. These people usually possess leadership qualities and determination.
From my personal studies in numerology 1’s approach things as if they are brand new. They are more willing to try something new and prod and research. They push to the top!
According to Urban dictionary
“Imani is that one girl who is willing talk to anyone. Her energy is unmatched and sometimes she doesn’t know when to shut up. She laughs at everything and her smile can cheer others up. An Imani is a flirt, Her lively personality and sensual gestures are attractive to others. She may not be the smartest and logic can be somewhat flawed, but she can attract others with her words and surprising wisdom.”
Imani is the name a very important angel in my life. This young lady that I have seen mature into a wonderful woman of God, is a fearless, caring, loving, thru being obedient to her purpose. She shines her light wherever she goes. She is encouraging and provides such soft direct messages from God. I can’t begin to tell you the amount of times she called me in the middle of that ugly cry. She didn’t know. Her conversation was exactly what I needed to hear at the time. Every time I receive text, email, missed call; I know God tells me keep the faith. So I looked up her name to figure out the meaning. Bingo! Her name means faith! This relationship is purposeful and it was my first time visiting Charlotte that I met her. Even though I’m in Charlotte and she’s in Phoenix. Over the year’s Imani has strengthened my faith by her compassion to serve Christ. She is compassionate in her walk and slays the Faith of a godly woman daily . I thank God for guiding my unplanned path as through his walk I’m stronger and I’m free.
I want to encourage you today to look at your relationships. Cherish your relationships, even those that may be temporary for they are all deep in meaning and will have some sort of future effect on your life. This relationship means so much to me because it was developed during a time of change a lot of change. When I met Imani, if you asked me where I would be in seven years. It would not be here, doing what I’m doing and how I’m doing it. That is the beautiful thing about faith. We learn to trust the process and the direction that it is leading us because it isn’t necessarily what we thought we had planned. Walking in faith and not by sight, is a daily challenge, however thank those that are in your surroundings that make this task a little easier everyday. These relationships are purposeful and were established for the blessing it has been to your life. Every relationship has a purpose. This is one I cherish dearly!
What is strong woman?
If we are not talking about physical strength of any sort, strength is a perception. A perception that she never breaks. A perception that she never needs anyone. A perception that she has no feelings. A perception that she doesn’t love hard. A perception that she is not meek and humble. You know who supports these strong woman when they need it there strong girl friends and family, if they have any.
I believe every woman and every household needs a counterpart. This counterpart creates balance this helps the adult of the house have someone they can discuss everything with in detail, because they are not holding the weight on their own. This counterpart can make sure you come home at night after working a long shift and got home to the kids safely. Do you know how important that is? Just a phone call to make sure you got home after working late, because I wouldn’t want your kids looking for their mother. A strong woman is patient, kind, willing to learn, willing to teach, not demeaning, respectful. Her ability not to cry in public, doesn’t make her strong, it may really makes her weak.
Please stop complimenting a woman’s strength or what she does with her children on a regular basis. These are called standards.To let us know you recognize it, is excellent, however this that we do is a standard we have created in our lives. It takes a little more effort to consistently reach that standard. Guys have you ever thought maybe this woman just needs help, or support, that’s it. Someone to make a plan with them, someone to make sure the plan is executed properly. Someone to call and say I just want to make sure you made it home. This is what most strong, independent women are looking for. Support, love, respect along with someone they can respect as well. Now some will straight up tell you they are looking for money. Listen to what everyone tells you. Words are windows to the heart. Most women and I’m not speaking for all are doing what has to be done because there is no choice in the matter. If we let the floor fall below us, who do we go to, where do we take our children, who do we depend on. Nobody, no one, no where. The answer for most of us is no where the streets, so we make a mature decision every morning to make sure we provide for our families come hell or high water. We don’t complain in the midst, because it just slows us down. We remain positive because it makes the days and the work go by faster. We rather be joyous in our efforts than sorrowful in our doubt. So are we really strong or is our back just up against the wall with nowhere to go.
What is your definition of a strong woman? Recognize the strong woman you admire in the comments!
Today I’m tired
I would be lying if I said I’m never tired, I’m never weary. I’m a super woman. I’m not, I’m a broken woman that has made her bed hard and has to lie in it. I’m a woman that can’t break because that can be my livelihood. I’m a woman that can’t stop pursuing because there is nothing to fall back on. I’m a woman who many depend on to be joyous and give a good word and place a positive spin on things. I’m a woman that from surface it may seem like I have it all together, but I don’t by far.
They say life is what you make it. However…. How do you make it? How do you adopt a new family? One that knows you or wants to know you and truly cares about your being. One that wants to know you as much as you want to know them. How do you continue to love and show love to those that don’t show it back? How do you go into isolation when you live in isolation? The little people you take care of are the only folks you talk to. How do you stop crying yourself to sleep at night? Sorry people this one doesn’t have a happy ending. It’s just words from a woman who has no escape. Her escapes she wants to escape. There is no hibernation or isolation when things go wrong because I live there daily. I haven’t seen most of my family in years. How many? I’ve lost count at this point. What do you do when you just want to love on people? And you really really would like just one of them to love on you back, just one. What do you do? Who do you call? What do you drink? What do you smoke? How do you continue to give when there is almost nothing left? I’ve heard prayer, I’ve heard keep loving and I still believe it will work one day. However, today I’m tired. Very very tired.
Tired of regrouping myself before I answer a call to love on someone who is in need. While I let my tears silent drip down my face. Tired of pulling it all together to go out to an event for a temporary high, fake relief, fake love or a moment of fun. Some go after random sex, well at this point I don’t want to be touched. Sex is something special and should happen between two people that love each other. Not only love each other, but have decided to love each other for eternity and do whatever needs to be done to make it last. What other solutions do we have? Grab a drink, a smoke, all of these things are temporary. Talk to God. Still temporary. Count your blessings. What if the only blessing is that you have only a few more days before everything crashes and burns? That’s what you see anyway. We try to ignore the problems instead of addressing them all while the tumbleweed is still growing.
Life is not always beautiful matter of fact, most of the time it’s ugly. Were advised to take the highs with the lows. However most people surround themselves with others to make it go away. What do you do when there is no temporary relief for you? Not home, not anywhere. Pray, huh. And then what? I want to tell you to continue to work at it and push, however right now I can’t tell myself to push. I’m tired, today I’m tired.
Tomorrow is always another day.
Don’t Quit
Ugh the enemy just keeps pushing. Is this how you feel? Me too! Pushing on you, pushing on your children, pushing in work, pushing in business, just pushing through your whole life. How annoying and inconvenient the recent events have been in our lives? We feel like we are failing at life, parenting or something else we are consistently working on. I am right there with you, on the ground, fighting the battle along side you. Keep pushing! Are things just so messed up you don’t see an end? Or can’t fathom the solution? You have identified room for a miracle! These are the times when God does his best work. Do you remember the last time things were going this way? How did it end?
Get ready for a celebration! Celebrate through this season as you are coming closer to your victory. For every time you continued to get hit while getting back up, is just showing you that when you finally stand things are going to start bouncing off of you. Remember the closer you get, the harder it gets, the more you close into the finish line, the more hurdles begin to come. This is not a sign to stop this is a sign to accelerate. Runners speed up as they get closer to the finish. I recently watched a video of 2 women who thought they had won the race so they slowed down. Yet they hadn’t crossed the finish line. Another woman came from behind them full speed, passed them and won the race. I don’t like to use races as examples, because we are not in competition with each other, we need to support each other. The better your circle is doing the better you will do. However, the moral of this story is to accelerate towards the end. Don’t stop an go another direction. Don’t say not now. Go faster, go harder, push consistently. Get ready to Win!
Spoiled?
Spoiled….
Having standards is not spoiled! The independent woman has been demonized in our society. She’s not easy! She’s has goals! She works too much! OMG!! She has standards! Fellas, don’t leave this one is for you. I’ve seen a few post lately referencing the old school way of dating. Flowers from Walmart and her favorite fast food burger, is enough to make a woman feel loved. Grandiose gestures are welcome, but are not always needed. Women want to be shown you love them. Now not all women are the same and money is not always the way of being shown you love or care for her. However there are different ways of showing women that you care. Time being number one. Ladies love Good Morning text, it shows that you were thinking of her when you woke. Now on the other side of this, they do get annoying so, don’t wear it out. This blog wasn’t to give tips. Its to address women having standards. Do you have a daughter? What are the standards you have tried to implement with her? Would you want your daughter to settle for the way you are treating the woman in your life?
Ladies the men have standards too! I would like you all to ask what is the treatment you desire of your son. We have to learn to be cognizant of others. The standards we set for our own we should be willing to give to the others.
Now, not all peoples standards match. Your standards may be lower or higher than your significant others. In this case it is up to the couple to decide a level of standards that will satisfy both parties. This should be set early in the relationship to avoid any unnecessary misunderstandings. Understanding each other is truly key. I want to challenge you to understand the person you are dealing with deeper. I want to challenge you to understand more of your relationships in general. Having an understanding of where someone is coming from will deepen the connection in unimaginable ways.
So is it Spoiled or Standards?? Understand before you make an assumption.
051117
Moms are Special
For the Moms
Moms, thank you for your unseen sacrifices and your sleepless nights. Thank you for your undying desire to protect your child at all times, even from the bugs you don’t like! Moms thank you for pushing to your goals to create positive examples and then pushing even harder after that goal is reached. Moms thank you for swallowing your pride. Moms thank you for holding your tongue for your baby’s sake. Moms thank you for sacrificing your life to make sure the lives of your children are fulfilled. Moms thank you for remaining sane in insane moments. Moms thank you for not dwelling on not receiving accolades for every moment of the day you sacrifice yourself for someone else. Moms thank you for putting yourselves on the back burner socially, mentally, and sometimes physically, because your child is more important. Moms thank you for your continuous efforts unnoticed and unseen and sometimes taken for granted. Moms thank you for being strong when the word tries to tear you down.
Moms you are super, you are amazing, you wear a special magical cape daily! Rock your cape this weekend and always as you multitask millions of items and still make the job look easy! Moms hope you all enjoy your weekend and stay mighty!!!
Happy Mother’s Day!
B. Marie's Thoughts 